The Dash In Between
by Stephaniiie
Summary: ***HIATUS*** AU/AH/OOC Bella's a rebel, Edward's a control freak. Both have their reasons and are as messed up as each other, stumbling blindly through their lives. Sometimes, all we need is a push in the right direction...
1. Chapter 1: Beautiful Stranger

*****This story was previously called 'Taking Chances'. It has changed to this because I felt that 'Taking Chances' was not original or unique enough. The current title, The Dash In Between, is taken from a quote by thequotewhore on twitter: "There ****are two dates on your tombstone but the most important part is the dash in between." I thought that it was very fitting :)**

**PLEASE READ THIS NOTE… it won't take long, I promise :)**

**:::WARNING::: This story contains dark mature content, including but not limited to: underage sex, smoking and drinking, drugs, terminal illnesses and mentions of death, rape and suicide. And there's a bit of normal teenage angst and hormones thrown in for good measure.**

**Quick note – if you actually **_**know me**_** (as in, you speak to me in person on a regular/semi-regular basis) then please, PLEASE do not read this. It will save both you and I loss of sanity and a little embarrassment. Thanks.**

**Disclaimer – I am merely using my unoriginality to have some fun. Any publicly recognised characters, settings and objects belong to their rightful owners. However, the plot and these characterisations belong entirely to me, Stephaniiie, copyright © 2010.**

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_Death is life's way of saying "you're fired". Suicide is our way of saying "I quit"._

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**Taking Chances**

**Chapter 1 – Beautiful Stranger**

**Bella POV**

13th September. My birthday.

I'd had a lot of shitty birthdays in my life. This was just another to add to the list. My mother was gushing about how amazing it was that I had reached my seventeenth birthday as she drove and I studiously ignored her. Renee and I were so different. She was so positive, and happy, and completely optimistic. Even if she was upset by something she'd cover it up with a false smile. I was the opposite. I couldn't be bothered to make an effort to appear happy if I wasn't; what was the point? Nobody really cared one way or the other whether I was happy or not. Which was good, I supposed, because I was rarely happy at all. As I stared out of the window, watching the damp green woods fly by, I tried to pinpoint the last time I had been truly happy. The last time I had flashed anyone a genuine smile. I couldn't. It had been far too long.

When Renee pulled into Forks High's parking lot, we both sat in silence for a long moment, me staring straight ahead at the entrance and Renee staring at me. Then, her hand came over to cover mine. "I'm sorry, sweetheart."

I turned my head and glared at her; she _knew_ that I didn't want her sympathy. "Whatever."

Her eyes were rimmed with red and she reached up to wipe a lingering tear away from the corner of her eye. "Bella, honey, I just want you to know that I'm proud of you. You're stronger than I am."

"I know," I said quietly, lacing my fingers together and looking down. There was an awkward pause before I reached into the foot-well and slung the strap of my black messenger bag over my shoulder. I checked my 'hair' in the wing mirror, adjusting it slightly so that it looked like real hair. "See you later."

"Are you coming straight home?" Mom asked.

I shrugged. "I dunno. I'll probably hang out with Em and Jazz for a bit. But I'll be home sooner or later."

"And you have your phone?"

No. "Yes."

"Okay, sweetie. I lo…"

I swung my door open before she could finish saying the three words she tried to throw at me whenever she could. "Later, Mom," I said, cutting her off and climbing out. I didn't wait for her to reply before I kicked the door shut and headed into school without looking back over my shoulder.

I handed my doctor's note to Ms Cope, and tapped my foot impatiently as she read it over. It was ridiculous that they still wanted me to get doctors notes when I missed an hour or two of school; it wasn't like they didn't know where I was.

Once she had signed it and excused me, she handed it back and let me go off to class, shooting me a sympathetic look as though that would make me feel better. It didn't. I wanted to hit her.

I walked along the off-white corridors as slowly as I could. School corridors always seemed strangely eerie when they were empty. I dragged the tips of my fingers along the bumpy walls, wondering how many germs were now multiplying on my fingers and where they'd end up later on. When I finally reached the door to my Trig class, I hesitated. Trig was my least favourite subject, and it was probably the only thing that I'd fail. I didn't particularly want to go in, but I skived it enough as it was. Plus, skiving was boring when it was just me – and I knew that it would be because I had told Jazz and Em to go to class that morning because I had known that I wouldn't be there. And if I wasn't there then they'd ask questions. I could tell them that I just had just wanted to stay in bed for a while longer, but I had told them that before and I knew that they'd get suspicious if I kept skiving like that without getting at least a lunchtime detention.

So I sighed and manned up before reaching for the handle. But the door opened before I could turn it and Mr Varner was stood there glaring at me. "Were you going to come in, Miss Swan, or were you going to dither around outside all day?"

I scowled and pushed past him to take my seat at the back of the room. Jess glanced up gingerly as I took my seat but otherwise ignored me, moving her seat slightly away from me. I couldn't work out whether she was aware that she did that or not.

Jess and I had been really good friends a few years back. When I had strived to do well and have a future. When life was shadowed with a golden glow of relief and smiles. But then the darkness had come and smothered the happiness throwing me into a black world of negativity and depression. And when my own life had been taken out of my control I had fought to get it back in my own hands again. Unfortunately, stealing the upper hand back from a few tiny malformed cells had resulted in losing the friends I had made. Or, more than that, my old friends were now scared of me. But that was okay. Because girls were nosy and liked to know everything that was going on, especially girls like Jess and Lauren. And how could someone with so many secrets be friends with people like them? No, it was much better for me to be friends with Emmett and Jasper and, initially, James. They didn't ask many questions, they joked around, and they smoked with me. It was much easier to relax around them than it was around Jess and Lauren and the other girls.

Trig was torture. It was the one lesson that I actually felt I had to pay attention in because it was the only one I wasn't expected to pass hands down. So, because of my excessive note taking, the seconds dragged by and the period seemed never-ending.

Finally, though, the bell rang and I threw my books into my messenger bag and took off without uttering a syllable to Jess, as usual. I visited my locker briefly before ducking behind the bike sheds where Emmett, Jasper and I always met up. Yes, it was cliché but, somehow, we hadn't been caught here yet.

The small gap between the bike sheds was horrible. Underfoot was only mud, and scuffed brown grass. It was always wet because, well, this was Forks and it always rained. Plus, the drains were blocked up so the only way any water was going anywhere was by being absorbed into the ground, which was already saturated. It stank too, like mildew, and smoke, and rotting wood. The ground was littered with wrappers and packets and occasionally someone would throw a condom round as a joke, though they weren't usually used. I refused to touch them all the same. But it was private and that was really all we needed.

I was the first one there that day, so I sat on one of the upturned metal buckets and dug around in my bag for my cigarettes. I pulled one out and lit it with the lighter from my pocket, taking a long drag before blowing the smoke back out through my lips.

Smoking cigarettes for me wasn't so much a habit. It was just something I wanted to do. I was pretty sure that, if I wanted to, I could stop smoking and my body wouldn't crave them too much; I was lucky like that. I didn't smoke because I needed to, but because I wanted to. That was rare, though, I knew. I wasn't stupid.

I was halfway through my first smoke when I heard the telltale guffaw that was Emmett. A moment later the two boys had rounded the corner and were sitting on their own upturned buckets.

"Hey, Bells," Em greeted, holding out his fist for a fist bump.

I just raised an eyebrow at him, and he dropped his hand, smirking. Emmett hunched his shoulders as he lit his own smoke. He was massive, Emmett; hugely muscled from all of the working out he did. His face was kind of babyish in a way, though, which looked quite funny compared to the direct contrast that was his body. He had a crop of dark curls on his head that Jazz and I often compared to pubes, big blue eyes and a soft jaw line so his face was kind of round; he even had dimples when he smiled, for crying out loud!

Jazz, Jasper Whitlock, was the opposite. He was quite lanky, and very tall, but he had a really manly face. He had sharp and defined bone structure and piercing hazel eyes that were almost a strange golden colour. His hair was blonde and kind of wavy and floppy and if he let it grow too long it would cover his eyes. It was almost that long at the moment.

Emmett McCarty was the goofball and Jasper was usually the quieter of the two but Jazz definitely had his moments. I wasn't sure where I fell in our little group dynamic. Perhaps I was the glue holding us together. Or maybe I was just the girl that kept them in line. Whatever. The three of us just worked.

It had been four a while back. James had been our fourth member, taking up the fourth upturned bucket. He had always had a crush on me, and everyone had known it. But then one afternoon he had taken it a little bit too far and he had been promptly kicked out of the gang for attempting to rape another member. He had moved cross-country that summer as well, so we hadn't seen him again. I was relieved about that because he had managed to get enough of my clothes off to see the bruises that were scattered across my pale skin and he would have known that something was up. He could have easily googled it or something and told everyone. But he had gone and my secret was safe. For now.

"Hey, B," Jazz said suddenly, bringing me back to the present.

I glanced up at him just as he threw something at me. I caught it neatly in my hands and looked down at the glass bottle. A whole bottle of good tequila, with a red ribbon tied around the neck. I laughed.

"Happy birthday," Jazz said.

I rolled my eyes. "I told you not to get me anything."

Now Jasper rolled _his_ eyes. "Em got you a present as well. We coordinated."

And Emmett reached into his backpack and pulled out a gift bag sello-taped messily at the top.

I narrowed my eyes suspiciously but took the bag open all the same, pulling it open and reaching inside to pull out a box with a set of four shot glasses. I laughed again. "Thanks guys. That's actually awesome. Drink?" I asked, pulling the cap off of the tequila and opening the box.

Both the guys leant forward in anticipation and I fought the urge to ask whether this was a gift for me or for them, though I was unable to hide my smirk. Inside, though, I was secretly really, really glad that they had at least had the common sense – or maybe it was forgetfulness; you never knew with these two – to not get cards. The thought of putting cards up around my room to remind me of the 'occasion' made me shudder.

Once the three shots had been poured, we took one glass each and chinked them together before taking the glass to our lips and knocking the liquid back. The heat instantly burnt my tongue, then my throat and then the fire spread to the tips of my fingers. I shivered excitedly and beamed at Em and Jazz.

"Hey, have you guys _seen_ the new kids?" Em asked randomly after a moment.

"Uh, no," Jazz said as I asked, "There are new kids?"

Emmett shrugged, fiddling with his glass. "Yeah. Three of 'em. They're all, like, siblings or shit but they don't look like each other at all. There're two girls and a boy. One of the girls was in my mechanics class and, dude, she was _smokin_'."

I snorted. "Em, if it has boobs you think it's 'smokin''."

"She's got a point," Jazz backed me up.

"No, but, seriously. She's blonde, and tall, and all curvy and shit." He paused and then added, "And she has a _great_ rack."

Jazz and I groaned simultaneously.

"What?"

Jasper just shook his head. "What about the others?"

"The other girl is tiny, like, teeny tiny. I've seen kindergartners bigger, dude. She has this kind of black hair that sticks out everywhere and she's a skinny little thing. Like the total opposite to Rosaline, or whatever the hell her name was. I only saw her briefly in the corridor." Emmett took a drag of his still unfinished smoke before continuing. "And the guy is… odd."

"What do you mean?" I asked as I reached into my bag for another cigarette.

"Well, he's all quiet and shit. He was in my Spanish class and he didn't say a word."

"Maybe he's just shy?" Jazz suggested and I nodded in agreement.

Emmett shook his head slowly. "Nah, there's something else… he just seems… weird. And his hair is the most messed up colour. Like between red and brown. Oh, and get this; at the start of the lesson he took all of the stuff out of his pencil case and lined it up like exactly. He even got out one of those angle-measuring-thingies-"

"Protractor," Jasper supplied.

"Whatever. He got out one of those and was measuring the angles between his pencils. That dude is just weird." He stubbed out his cigarette on the wood of the shed beside him.

Jazz looked to me and changed the subject. "Are you doing anything this evening?"

I bit my chapped bottom lip. "Not really. I was thinking maybe we could head to the den and just… I dunno… hang out?"

Jasper laughed. "Sure, sure, I can get you your weed. I'll have to go home to get it first."

I breathed a sigh of relief. I loved how Jasper knew what I was saying even when I didn't say it. "Cool."

"That's really what you want to do on your birthday?" Em asked, a dark eyebrow raised. "You wanna smoke it up in an abandoned cottage?"

"That's what we did on your last birthday, dickhead," I retorted.

"Yeah but…"

"But what?" I snapped, getting a little pissed off at his tone. I knew what he had been about to say. "But I'm a girl? What fucking difference does that make? If I wanna do it then I'll do it, alright?"

He shrugged, backing off. "Alright, alright."

I sighed and leant back against the shed behind me again. That was one of the good things about these guys. They didn't want to argue with me. They just let me do whatever I wanted. I supposed that a lot of it was down to ordinary teenage naivety; most teenagers didn't think about what smoking cigarettes and marijuana would do to their bodies later on in life. I was different to most teenagers like that; the effects smoking had on my body was the only thing I ever thought about when I pulled out my lighter or took a drag from a cigarette.

I knew that it was a control thing. By smoking and doing drugs and drinking alcohol, I was the one harming my body. I was the one killing myself. I was in control. It was a feeling I had grown up with, control. I had grown up with control of myself but I took it for granted. I had always been so cautious; careful not to cross the road without looking, careful not to run by the side of a swimming pool, careful not to go too close to the edge on the La Push cliffs. I had used my control to keep myself safe, as everyone did. Self-preservation was an instinct that everyone was supposed to have. But then, when I was just twelve, I had lost the control of my body. At least, of my insides. My insides were being controlled by just a few cells that had developed and spread. A few cells that the doctors had detected just a little bit late. A few cells that combined to form the word that no parent, or person for that matter, ever wanted to hear: leukaemia.

And now, five years on, I was still fighting a few crapped up cells for control of my own body. These cells were killing me but now I was battling them to kill myself. If I was going to die, I didn't want to die a victim of a disease that killed hundreds. And I was pretty sure that I was going to die. In fact, if someone had told me a few years ago that I would still be around to see my seventeenth birthday, I wouldn't have believed them. Perhaps I was a pessimist, but I had stopped fighting to stay alive. As far as I could see, there wasn't much worth fighting _for_.

Jazz, Em and I sat and smoked in silence until the bell rang signalling the end of break. We all sighed simultaneously and stood up. I reached under my bucket and pulled out the box that was hidden under there, pulling off the airtight lid and hiding my tequila and shot glasses in with the rest of our stash.

"We can take this to the den with us later," I said as I pushed the box back under the bucket and slid it out of sight.

Jazz nodded. "Good idea."

I rubbed my hands off on my skinny jeans. "See you at lunch, Em," I said, flashing him a quick smile before grabbing Jasper's hand and dragging him off to our Spanish class.

Nobody paid attention to our linked hands anymore; everyone presumed that Jasper and I were dating, and we didn't bother telling them that we weren't. I didn't care if that was what everyone thought, and Jasper didn't either. It put other guys off of asking me out and vice versa for him. Don't get me wrong, I did _want_ to date and I definitely didn't want to die a virgin but the pick of the crop in a place as small as Forks was… well, somewhat limited. Since I was against giving myself to any of the half-wits around, it certainly looked like I was going to die with my hymen completely intact.

Spanish was the same as usual. Jasper worked his ass off, and I copied his notes and his answers.

When lunch rolled around, Jazz and I made our way to the cafeteria together in silence. It wasn't an uncomfortable silence; it was just an 'I don't have anything to say' type silence. We bought our lunch and then went to sit with Emmett who was already at our usual table in the corner of the cafeteria.

We always spent the first half of the lunch hour in the cafeteria; it was a tradition. We'd sit at our usual table, which no one ever took but us, and eat and bicker about pathetic things like whether batman or superman was the better superhero. It was juvenile, and dull, and really, really stupid, but it was nice. It was nice to just hang out and not be scrutinised like I was going to fall apart at any second. That's what it was like to spend time with my mother.

Today's argument was whether banana or vanilla milkshakes were worse.

"Banana, by far," Emmett added his two cents. "I mean, banana is a fruit, so it must be healthy so it must be the worst."

"No, no, no," Jazz disagreed, shrugging his grey jacket off of his shoulders as the clouds parted momentarily and the sun lit the room.

I huddled deeper inside my own jacket – a black one, with some kind of logo over the left breast – and tugged on the sleeves. I didn't like it when the sun made its rare appearances. When it was cold I had an excuse to cover every inch of my skin; when it was hot, I looked weird. But I didn't want to take it off and reveal the light spattering of bruises that I had all over my body.

"You like banana milkshakes?" Em asked Jazz in disbelief.

Jazz shrugged. "They're okay. But vanilla is all horribly sweet and strong and just…" He shuddered.

"Chocolate is sweet and you like that," Em pointed out.

"It's the only sweet thing I like."

"Why? You're insane!"

I spoke up then. "Chocolate's a natural aphrodisiac," I told them quietly.

Two heads turned simultaneously to look at me, eyebrows raised in question.

I sighed and repeated, "Chocolate's a natural aphrodisiac." At their blank looks I explained, "It turns you on."

Em guffawed loudly causing everyone within a five-table radius to look over at us. "Wait. You mean Jazzy here likes chocolate milkshake 'cos it makes him horny?" He snickered again immaturely.

I shrugged. "Well it does. I dunno if that's why Jazz likes it though."

Jasper made a face. "It just tastes good, jeez. You have to analyse everything. Hey, are you gonna major in English Lit? You'd be good at that."

I shrugged again, trying to stop my expression from becoming downcast. I highly doubted I'd live long enough to _major_ in anything.

Thankfully, Emmett changed the subject. "Hey, looks like the new kids are getting the one-oh-one from Miss Jessica Stanley."

Jazz and I glanced over our shoulders to see that there were three new faces sat at Jess's table. Jess was talking to them with exaggerated gestures and ridiculous faces. I remembered when I had been sat there on my first day at Forks High four years before; when I was the one being given the 'one-oh-one', as Emmett put it. Things were a little different then.

I analysed the new kids. Emmett had described the girls pretty accurately. The first was tall, and blonde and absolutely stunning. She had lightly tanned skin that seemed to be perfect, I could see the sparkle in her blue eyes even from the other side of the room, and her hair cascaded down over her curves like some kind of golden waterfall. The second was tiny, thin in the extreme and with short black hair that stuck out every-which-way, though you could tell that it was like that on purpose; skilfully straightened like so. Her perfect and pointed features reminded me of a little pixie, giving her an edge that was almost magical. The boy, though, Emmett had _not_ done justice to at all.

He was well-muscled, but not huge like Em, and his hair was more fascinating than strange as Em had described it. It was a kind of coppery-bronze colour and stuck out in every direction, like his sister's but this was obviously au natural. He kind of looked like he'd just gotten out of bed after some damn-awesome hot sex and decided to leave his hair as it was, which sent tingles through my body. He had sharp bone structure, his jaw coming out at almost a right-angle from just below his ear. It was long, his jaw I mean, and strong and perfectly clean of stubble. I had an overwhelming urge to lick it.

Just after I had been staring at him for a moment too long, his head turned – as did those of his sisters, meaning that Jess was informing them about us – and his eyes met mine. I wanted to look away, having been caught staring, but I couldn't. His eyes were the deepest and most gorgeous shade of mossy green. They were bright, vibrant, but they were missing a sparkle of happiness. My cheeks heated and I knew that I should look away but I was lost in his eyes.

"Bella!" Jasper hissed, his hand touching my elbow and shaking me slightly. "Hello?"

I managed to blink and then look away from the bizarrely beautiful boy back at our table.

"Whoa, Bells, what was up with that?" Em asked when I was looking back across the table at him, turning my apple in my hands. "You completely zoned out for a moment."

"Sorry," I muttered, embarrassed. I looked up at the clock above Em's head and changed the subject so that they couldn't interrogate me about the whole staring-at-the-hot-new-boy thing. "Wanna go smoke?"

They both nodded and we got up from our table. As we headed for the bins to dump our leftover food in, Jasper laced his fingers through mine and gave my hand a reassuring squeeze. I looked over and smiled at him briefly before allowing him to lead me out of the cafeteria.

I didn't once glance back at Jessica's table, at the new boy, as we walked out, even though I was sure that I could feel _his_ eyes on me. I didn't even wait until we were round the back of the sheds before lighting up a smoke, for the first time in my life feeling like I _needed_ the calm that came with the sour taste.

Emmett and Jasper exchanged glances but neither one said anything.

I didn't know what the feeling that was pulsing through my veins _was_ but I did know that, for the first time in a long time, I felt a little spark of life inside of me. I had no idea what was so special about these new and beautiful strangers but I had a feeling that life was about to get a tad more interesting…

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***Stops typing, looks up and notices readers… if there are any* Ohai guys! A new story? I know, I know, I'm crazy. But the idea came to me in the early hours in the morning and would not leave me alone. By the end of the day, I had two eight-page chapters written and a huge plan. So here we are.**

**This story is (hopefully) going to be a little different from my others. This is my attempt to step tentatively out of my comfort zone and branch into more mature stuff – hence the rating. I'm also going to try and Americanise this one because I've been told that that's the correct thing to do. Plus, I'm gonna try and get rid of the A/Ns. This chapter might have a little one what with it being the first chapter, but in the future it'll just be important, story-related stuff.**

**Now, I am totally aware that the word 'cancer' or 'leukaemia' will send people running for the hills. If you've read this far then thank you and please stick with me. If you've read anything else I've written then you'll know that I only do happy endings. It's sometimes a bumpy road, but the destination is always a nice place to be. So just bear that in mind.**

**And, if you're a new reader (as in, you haven't read anything by me before) then welcome! New people are always welcome here so don't be shy and say hi (hey that rhymes!) :) I also tweet a lot now, and I have facebook. Follow me StephaniiieJo on twitter and my facebook is linked on my profile :)**

**Oh, and I picked the title because the lyrics to the song Taking Chances match this story perfectly :) If you don't know them already, then look them up... they're prettiful :)**

**This is all for now. But Edward's POV is up next and we can dip into his lovely and mysterious cranium… ;)**

**Reviews aren't compulsory but you could consider it payment since you're reading this for free? Smiley or frowny faces are absolutely fine with me :)**

**Thanks so much :)**

**-Steph**


	2. Chapter 2: Beautiful Mystery

**Previously…**

_I didn't once glance back at Jessica's table, at the new boy, as we walked out, even though I was sure that I could feel his eyes on me. I didn't even wait until we were round the back of the sheds before lighting up a smoke, for the first time in my life feeling like I needed the calm that came with the sour taste._

_Emmett and Jasper exchanged glances but neither one said anything._

_I didn't know what the feeling that was pulsing through my veins was but I did know that, for the first time in a long time, I felt a little spark of life inside of me. I had no idea what was so special about these new and beautiful strangers but I had a feeling that life was about to get a tad more interesting…_

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_Learn to appreciate what you have before time forces you to appreciate what you had._

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**Chapter 2 – Beautiful Mystery**

**Edward POV**

The last time I had started at a new school hadn't been as bad as this. First and foremost, because I hadn't been alone. Well, I wasn't alone this time either but at least last time it hadn't just been my 'sisters' and I. Tanya had been there as well. Secondly, because we hadn't had to move schools because of me. And, thirdly, because everyone else had been starting high school for the first time as well so no one stuck out like a sore thumb.

Alice, Rosalie and I stuck out like a broken leg in a room full of sore thumbs, and that was putting it mildly. Especially in Forks. Forks was in the middle of nowhere. There were something ridiculous like three-thousand residents in the town and less people in my whole year than there had been in one class at my old school back in Chicago. Carlisle and Esme had clearly presumed that this would be a good thing, considering the circumstances, but I wholeheartedly disagreed. People knew people in small towns. They expected to know your every secret and your entire personal diary, which I hated. I didn't want anyone to know my secrets, least of all a bunch of countryside-loving, tight-knit, small-town people.

Rosalie and Alice weren't all that pleased either. Rosalie because she had had to leave her friends – and captain-of-the-football-team-with-hot-abs boyfriend – behind, and Alice because apparently there wasn't a shopping mall in the town. Well, boo fucking hoo.

Everyone stared, all day. When we went into reception and gave the woman there – Ms Cope, her name-tag read – our names, her eyes bugged out of her head and she stared at us unashamedly for a long moment before giving us our timetables.

As Rose, Alice and I had made our way to homeroom, the two of them had giggled and told me that she was 'so checking me out' which disgusted me because she was old enough to be my grandmother.

I took an empty seat at the back of the room in English, and everyone stared, and whispered. I wondered if maybe I had stolen someone's seat but no one came and demanded that I moved so I presumed that I was fine where I was. I didn't have a neighbour, which was fine by me, but I guessed that it might get a little dull as time went on. We had a discussion lesson so I didn't have to get out my things, but I made sure that my water bottle was parallel with the boy sat at the table across the aisle from mine who I learned to be Mike as the class proceeded.

Second period was a free, but Rose and Alice were both in lessons so I wandered around for a while, looking for something to do. I eventually wound up in the library making sure that the books were in alphabetical order.

I had Spanish third period and that provoked more stares and whispers. I had to introduce myself to the class in Spanish and I tripped over my words and stuttered, causing a few people to giggle. It was mortifying. Then, people had stared at me as I had gotten my things out of my pencil case and lined them up to be parallel to the edge of the desk, and to each other. It wasn't _that_ strange to want things to be neat.

Then, at break, I hung out with Alice and Rose in the 'courtyard', which we had a little laugh about. What kind of pretentious school calls a patch of grass and a few wooden benches a 'courtyard'? People that walked past stared at us then, too, as Alice told us about the new friend she had already managed to make. That girl was so friendly that it was unreal. Then Rosalie complained about missing her friends as I licked icing off of my cupcake until the circle of it on top was perfectly round before eating it properly, as Esme would have ordered me to the moment I started poking at the top with my tongue.

Third period was Home Economics, which confused me until my timetable directed me to a kitchen. Food tech. I was one of three guys in the whole class but that was okay. I shared a station with Angela, Alice's new friend, and she was quiet and I was quiet so that worked out well. I put myself in charge of cutting that day and made sure that each thing I cut was exactly straight. I decided that I liked Home Ec; it was oddly relaxing to be so in control.

Then it was lunch. I located Alice and Rose talking quietly in the line for the cafeteria and joined them, attempting to slip into the line unnoticed. Of course, what with everyone staring, that didn't happen, but people let me push in for some reason. Maybe because I was the new kid. Maybe because they were scared of the energy Alice exuded. Maybe they just didn't care. But whatever.

Alice dragged Rose and I over to a table with a girl she had sat next to in her Math class called Jessica. She had wildly curly hair and looked at me like I was a piece of meat. She made me feel very uncomfortable. That was one of the reasons why I wasn't listening to her gossip about the other students. The other reason was that I simply didn't care who was dating who and which girls used fake tan and which girls had their nipples pierced… okay, that last one caught the attention of my pervy side but not enough to make me actually listen.

I only started listening when she said, "Oh them. They're all freaks."

_Huh,_ I thought, _maybe I'll fit right in._

And then I turned my head to see who Jessica was talking about and caught a pair of eyes that were absolutely stunning. They were a gorgeous brown, swirly and pretty like melted chocolate. They had so much depth, so much pain, so much sadness that it made my heart pang against my chest. I had never seen such expressive eyes before and I loved them. Just then, she jumped slightly and turned away from me. I took that opportunity to let my eyes sweep over the rest of her. She didn't disappoint. She was slim, but obviously not athletic, and had beautiful brown curls that fell down around her shoulders in waves. Her head was tilted slightly to the side so I could see her face in profile. I could tell that her eyes were set deep in her face, and her dainty eyebrows were raised slightly. Her pale cheeks had turned a light shade of red and her chin was pointed, but ever so soft. She was beautiful.

I started listening to Jessica then.

"The massive guy with dark hair on the end is Emmett McCarty. He's loud, a crackpot. He can't take anything seriously. The scrawny one with blonde hair is Jasper Whitlock. He's just weird. The girl is Bella Swan. Isabella. She moved here four years ago with her Mom. Well, she lived here years and years ago, but then her Dad died or something so they moved away and then they moved back again a few years later. We used to be friends for about a year when she moved here, but then she drifted and started hanging out more with Emmett and Jasper and James."

"Who's James?" I heard myself speak up.

Jess shrugged. "Just a guy. He's gone now, moved out of town ages ago. But Bella's rumoured to be dating Jasper. I mean, they haven't said anything and they never kiss when anyone's watching, but they always hold hands and talk in whispers. They're really close. Personally, though, I think that she's banging both of them. Maybe even at the same time. They're pretty hot so I wouldn't blame her, to be honest."

For some reason, I suddenly wanted to snap this _Jasper_'s neck. And maybe Emmett's as well.

"They all keep to themselves. They don't really talk to anyone and they always sit by themselves and don't let anyone else sit with them at lunch. Then, halfway through the lunch hour, they get up and leave. Just go. See?"

As though they had heard Jess, the three of them all stood at the same time and dumped their leftovers in the bin before heading for the exit. I kept my eyes on Bella. They wandered up and down her body and then settled on her gently swaying ass. Damn, was there anything about this girl that wasn't perfect?

But then I noticed that her fingers were laced through the blonde's. The urge to snap his neck became stronger, and I now wanted to burn his body as well.

"Where do they go?" I wondered, unable to keep myself from asking as the beautiful mystery that was Bella disappeared with her rumoured fuck buddies.

"I don't know. No one does. They just disappear and come back in time for next period. Bella misses a lot of school, too. Skives off all the time and none of the teachers really seem to care. I don't know what's up with her."

I remembered the sadness that was in her eyes and wondered what her secret was. I wondered how accurate the rumours were. I wondered where she and her friends disappeared to.

The rest of the lunch hour passed without incident as Jessica moved on to other pieces of more interesting gossip. I knew from what Jess had said that Bella wouldn't be coming back into the cafeteria but I couldn't help but keep my eyes on the door and hope that she would. Just so that I could see her pretty face again.

She didn't.

Eventually, the bell rang and I checked my timetable again to see that I had advanced Biology. With a sigh, I dragged myself to class, going to Mr Banner and introducing myself before following him to my new desk. It was empty. Just like English.

I sat down and stacked my textbook and my notebook up against the corner of the desk before getting out my pencil case again and carefully laying out the stationary at perfect right angles. When that was done, class still hadn't started. So I tore a sheet of paper out of the middle of my notebook and chose a black marker pen and started to draw neat concentric circles on the paper. I drew them slowly, carefully, not wanting to mess it up.

So when the chair beside me was pulled out and the scraping noise against the floor made me jump and mess up my circles I turned to have a go at the person. But when I saw her, I couldn't say anything.

It was her. Bella. The beautiful girl with the incredibly apt name.

She met my eyes briefly before taking the seat and thoroughly ignoring me. She got her things out and threw them haphazardly onto the desk. I had to hold on tightly to the edge of the desk to stop myself from reaching out and lining her things up. Once her bag was empty she dropped it on the floor and adjusted her chair slightly, so that she was angled away from me, and then started tapping her nails on the worktop of our desk.

I cleared my throat, but she didn't acknowledge me, so I turned back to my circles. But now there was a huge black line across the page so I started ripping it into little pieces instead. I did that for a while before I realised that Bella was watching me. I looked over at her and her eyes narrowed slightly before she opened her mouth as though to ask something.

But then Mr Banner called the class to attention and Bella shut her mouth again and turned to face the front. I clenched my fist, wanting to hit something, which was strange because I was usually a non-violent person.

Biology was… frustrating to say the least. I wanted nothing more than to turn to the fascinating girl next to me and ask her something – anything – or, at least, tidy her books a little. But I tried to listen to Mr Banner like a good boy. I say_ tried_ because it was proving to be difficult with Bella in such close proximity.

About halfway through the lesson I couldn't stop myself from inhaling slightly to see if I could smell her. I could. She smelt like girl, and perfume… and smoke. That surprised me. I subtly glanced at her fingernails but they were completely clean; no telltale yellowing of the nail, or brittleness, or anything that said she was a smoker. Something else I noticed in that period was that her hair seemed different up close. I couldn't really describe it, it just seemed different.

At the end of the lesson, Bella rose from her seat and swept her books into her bag with one arm, flouncing out of the classroom before I could even register that the bell had rung.

I snorted and started packing up myself before heading to gym. I got my kit from Coach Clapp and then changed to dutifully play some volleyball. I didn't fail to notice that Emmett McCarty was in my gym class.

However, what I did fail to notice until close to the end of the lesson was that Bella was also in my class. But she wasn't playing. She was sat high up in the bleachers, her nose in a book, her pouty pink lips wrapped around a straw poking out of a carton of juice. Suddenly I had a very inappropriate image of her lovely pouty pink lips wrapped around something else, but I swatted that idea out of my head after a moment. Swatting the image away didn't swat away the… _problem_ that had sprung up, though, so I had to play the last ten minutes of volleyball thinking about kicking puppies and shit to get rid of it.

I had arranged to meet Rose and Alice by my beloved Volvo after school but I was the first of us there. So I climbed in and waited for them. As I waited, though, I saw Bella and Jasper. They were stood by a motorbike and Bella was ditching her bag in the seat, which was open to reveal something akin to a trunk. Jasper reached over her to close the seat and whispered something in her ear as he did so. Bella flushed and swatted at him, but she was giggling. I wanted to hear her giggle like that. No, I wanted to _make_ her giggle like that. But then Jasper fitted a safety helmet on her head and moved to brush her hair away. Bella pushed his hand away and moved her hair and clipped her helmet herself. Then, Jasper climbed on the front of the bike, putting his own helmet on as Bella climbed on the back, lacing her arms around his chest and laying her head flush against his shoulder.

Jealousy flared strongly in my chest. I wanted her arms around me, and I wanted her head against my shoulder.

Oh hell, I wanted her all over me and I'd only just met her.

Tanya would have laughed and ruffled my hair and said something like, "You're so fickle, Eddie."

I hated being called Eddie, but for some reason it was okay when it came from Tanya. She was the only person allowed to call me that. Or, she _had been_.

After Jasper and Bella left the parking lot on the motorcycle with a loud roar, I glanced at the clock set into the dashboard and groaned. If Rosalie and Alice didn't hurry the hell up then I would be late. And turning up late on the first day was not a good way to start therapy.

Finally they got to the car. Rosalie seemed a little flushed, and irritable, and I wondered why. Not that Rose wasn't frequently irritable.

"What happened?" I asked Alice as she sat in the passenger seat and Rosalie settled herself in the back.

"Rosalie got into an argument, no big deal."

I sighed as I started the engine. Rosalie argued with everyone so it wasn't really a big deal but she was usually more composed than the seething mess that was currently sat behind me. "Who with?"

Rosalie remained silent so Alice answered for her. "Emmett McCarty."

"Why?"

"He was walking backwards along the corridor and bumped into her."

"And I dropped _all_ of my stuff!" Rosalie added angrily. "My new foundation is smeared along the floor rather than in the pot where it belongs. And he refused to give me money for a new one."

"He said he didn't _have_ any money on him, Rose, he didn't refuse to give you it," Alice corrected her.

"Well, he should watch where he's going!" Rose snapped. "Who does he think he is? Just because he's fucking that little _Bella_ slut…" She sneered Bella's name.

"I don't think he is," Alice interrupted in a small voice. She lifted her feet onto the seat and curled her arms around her knees.

"What do you mean?" Rose demanded before I could.

"Well, I'm in Spanish class with her and Jasper and I sit directly behind them." She hesitated and then continued. "They were all over each other this morning. If she's with, or even just fucking, either of them then it's definitely Jasper."

My grip on the wheel tightened and I gritted my teeth. "Yeah, they were pissing around by his bike before you came out."

Alice sighed wistfully and I looked at her out of the corner of my eye. I knew that kind of sigh, and Alice didn't use it very often; only when she wanted something or someone unattainable. Someone like Jasper. But I didn't say anything because that would make me the biggest hypocrite under the sun. Because I wanted something or someone unattainable too. Someone like Bella.

**#x#**

Siobhan looked at me warily through her glasses over the top of the binding of her notebook. She tapped her pen against the pad and a strand of dark blonde hair fell over her face. She tucked it behind her ear and said, "Edward, we're not going to get anywhere unless you stop giving me one-word answers." She was trying to use that soothing, warm voice that therapists are supposed to but I could hear the irritation seeping through. "I know that it feels strange to tell a stranger such personal things but sometimes it really helps. Let's talk about something easier, shall we? What did you have for breakfast this morning?"

Oh great. We finally move on from the 'how do you feel about moving away from your home and friends?' area that I don't particularly want to talk about onto a conversation about my eating habits. "Um… toast," I said uncertainly, not entirely sure where she's heading.

"Mmm hmm, and did you have anything on your toast?"

I shrugged. "No."

"Why was that?"

_Why the fuck is it any of your business?_ "I dunno. I didn't want anything on my toast. The only things we had in the cupboard were strawberry jam and Alice's orange marmalade. Alice doesn't want anyone else eating her marmalade. She ordered it online from somewhere in Europe or something, I dunno."

"Do you always do as Alice wants?"

"Um… I guess?" My reply is more of a question. "I like Alice. I respect her. And if I didn't want anyone to eat my marmalade, I'd hope that people would respect me enough to not eat my damn marmalade." This was a bizarre conversation. What was even more bizarre was that Siobhan was listening to me like I was reciting some kind of holy something and avidly writing stuff down. I wished that I could peek at what she was writing; I'd always suspected that therapists secretly draw some little cartoons while pretending that they're interested in what their client was saying.

"I see. Shall we talk about Alice, and your other sister?"

"Adopted sister," I corrected, crossing one leg over another.

"Yes." Siobhan looked down at her paper and then said, "Rosalie. So Alice and Rosalie. Do you all get on?"

"Yeah," I say honestly. "I get on better with Alice than Rose but that's just because Rose and I are too similar. Alice and Rosalie get on great until one of them steals the other's clothes, or make-up, or GHDs, or whatever."

"And I'm presuming that you don't steal clothes, make-up, or GHDs off of either of them?"

I quirked an eyebrow. "I'm not a cross-dresser behind closed doors, if that's what you're asking."

Siobhan was unable to hide a grin. "No, I asked if you steal them. You don't take them to wind your sisters up or anything?"

I rolled my eyes. "Of course not. I'm sixteen, not six."

Siobhan nodded and jotted something down. She opened her mouth to ask something else, but the little alarm clock she had put on her desk went off, preventing her from saying anything further. So she sighed and shut the clock off before putting her notebook down. I was disappointed to see a whole page of illegible writing and not a cartoon in sight.

"Can I go now?" I asked hopefully, lifting my gaze back to her face.

"Yes, just let me write your next appointment down." She stood up and led the way through to the reception area of the building. It was a little doctors' surgery and the therapist, Siobhan Whitlock, was in every Tuesday. It saved me from having to drive all the way to Port Angeles though so that was alright.

"So," Siobhan said as she reached through the hatch in the reception area and pulled out an appointments book, "you'll have an hour long appointment every Tuesday for as long as I and your parents deem necessary."

I sighed. I had brought this on myself, I knew, but that didn't mean that I liked it. "Yes."

"Good." She smiled, and her hazel eyes crinkled at the edges. "I will see you next week then, Edward." And then I was free.

I went outside, but I didn't go to my Volvo; I didn't feel like going back home yet. The surgery was right next to a forest so I decided to explore that. I climbed over a fallen tree trunk and hopped down onto the damp forest floor. I brushed my hands off on my jeans, and adjusted my black shirt before going through the trees. I tried to keep note of which way I was going because there was no path and it did all look pretty much the same.

After a while of wandering – I didn't know how long; I didn't own a watch and I had left my phone in the car – I came across an old cottage. It was clearly abandoned because of the condition it was in. The white bricks were crumbling and plants and green stuff grew up around the structure. I wondered what it looked like inside and decided to have a look.

So I went up to one of the smashed windows and climbed in, trying not to touch anything and get dirty; I hated being dirty. Once I was inside I saw that the room I was in was a little kitchen. There were a few old utensils crumbling away, but what I found odd was the brand new top-of-the-range microwave that sat on one of the counters. It was even plugged in and working and everything. My brow furrowed but then, just as I went to open one of the cupboards to see if there was any food or something, a loud chorus of laughs came from deeper inside the cottage, making me jump.

I knew that I should turn around and leave if this cottage had already been claimed by some group of wayward teenagers, but I was curious so I tip-toed through the house in the direction of the laughter. I wanted to know whether I knew any of these people.

But when I rounded the corner and saw the people who were laughing, I instantly regretted deciding to investigate at all. Something cracked under my foot and Emmett, Jasper and Bella all simultaneously turned to see me there.

Bella was the first to react, leaping to her feet. "What the fuck are you doing here?" Her tone was furious.

"I… uh… um…" I didn't know what to say.

"Get out," she snapped. She came over to me. "Cullen, isn't it?"

I nodded.

"Well, this place is already taken. Go find somewhere else to hang out, asshat."

I turned and went back out, through to the kitchen out of the window. I looked back over my shoulder to see Bella stood by the window, her arms crossed menacingly. But when I met her eyes, they were still sad. Like they had been earlier. Always sad.

I smiled slightly, hoping to cheer her up, but she just scowled and me and flounced back to her friends. I couldn't think of anything I could have done to irritate her so much but there was definitely something to be said for cold receptions and cold shoulders. And what was that phrase? Oh yeah, if looks could kill… well, I had just been killed by the girl I wanted to make me feel alive. How very ironic.

**~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~**

**Quickest update ever for me? Yeah, I agree ;)**

**In case you're wondering, no, Tanya is not going to be a problem in this story. She is a part of Edward's past, not his future.**

**Regarding commonly asked questions: 1) Yes, Edward has OCD though he's not really consciously aware of it. This is a result of some things that happened in Chicago, as is his reluctance to be impulsive and his control issues. 2) Lemons. I think I will do a little one but not for a while and if you're not comfortable reading that then don't worry because I will be sure to say in the A/N :)**

**Thanks so much for all of the support so far with this story! I was a little bit worried about posting this but it's gotten such great feedback which makes me so happy :)**

**Regarding updates, I'm going to try and make Monday my update day so I'll try and post a new chapter every Monday. I'm not sure if I'll be able to stick with it, but I'll do the best I can :) I am going on holiday in a couple of days, though, so I'm not sure about next week's update. I will have internet access but I'm not sure how often I'll be able to use it so we'll have to see about that :)**

**I'm also gonna do something I've never done before and totally pimp other fics ;) The first rec has to be my most favourite fic ever: **_**Living Backwards**_** by **_**ciaobella27**_**. It so deserves more reviews and I have never been more addicted to anything than I was to that :) So check it out if you're looking for something new to read – it's in my favourites :)**

**Next chapter's back in BPOV so you can find out why she's being such a bitch ;)**

**Reviews are like little rays of sunshine – each one brightens my day :)**

**Thanks so much :)**

**-Steph**

Taking Chances


	3. Chapter 3: Wishes That Will Never

**Previously…**

_I turned and went back out, through to the kitchen out of the window. I looked back over my shoulder to see Bella stood by the window, her arms crossed menacingly. But when I met her eyes, they were still sad. Like they had been earlier. Always sad._

_I smiled slightly, hoping to cheer her up, but she just scowled and me and flounced back to her friends. I couldn't think of anything I could have done to irritate her so much but there was definitely something to be said for cold receptions and cold shoulders. And what was that phrase? Oh yeah, if looks could kill… well, I had just been killed by the girl I wanted to make me feel alive. How very ironic._

* * *

"_Smiles are like Band-Aids; they cover up the pain but it's still there" - thequotewhore (follow her on twitter… she posts some awesome little quotes :))_

* * *

**Taking Chances**

**Chapter 3 – Wishes That Will Never Come True**

**Bella POV**

I had two classes with Edward Cullen. Edward Cullen was the boy with the gorgeous eyes and the jaw that I wanted to lick. Someone was clearly trying to torture me by placing me in close proximity to him. Or maybe they were trying to be nice for once. I mean, I had every excuse to speak to him; I'd be sat next to him in Biology every day for weeks on end. But, for some reason, I was _scared_ of speaking to him. And, okay, I hadn't spoken to him, but he hadn't introduced himself either. And it wasn't like I could speak to him in gym from up on the bleachers.

I had watched him all through gym, holding my book in front of my face so that if he happened to look up then I could cast my eyes down and it would look like I was reading. But for as long as he didn't look up, I watched him like my eyes were glued to him. He was good at sport, not clumsy like I was. He could volley the ball with precision that was so good that it was almost painful to watch. He won every game he played, though he didn't seem to be aware of it. Or, if he was, he was used to winning.

He only looked up at me once in the entire period so I could ogle him for the vast majority of the period. At the end, I watched as he helped pack away the nets, my eyes fixed firmly on his ass. I was being a pervert, I won't lie.

Suddenly a voice cut through my perving. "Hey, B, what cha' up to?"

I blushed. "Nothing," I lied.

"You were checking him out weren't you?" Em grinned sadistically and then sang, "Bella was checking Cullen out."

"I was not!" I hissed. "I'm reading."

He pointed at me and said, "Denial," as per Finding Nemo, before saying, "B. Your book is upside down. Plus, I've been watching you all period and your eyes have been fixed on his ass like your life depends on it."

My blush deepened. "Okay, so maybe I was looking at the new guy, but, c'mon Em, everyone likes new things."

He chuckles. "You want to _play_ with our school's new _toy_ then huh?" His voice was thick with implications.

I hit his shoulder. "You're a moron."

"And you're a pervert."

I scowled but didn't deny it. "Point taken."

He laughed again. "So I'll go get changed. You go find Jasper and get the stash and I'll meet you at the den, right?"

I nodded and threw my book into my bag. "Right."

Then we went our separate ways; I went behind the bike sheds to fill my bag with some of our stash before heading out to find Jasper. He was waiting by his bike. I smiled as I loped to his side. "You've got my helmet, right?"

He rolled his eyes. "I always have your helmet."

I pulled the seat open and ditched my bag inside. Then Jasper leant over and closed the seat for me, purposefully brushing close enough to whisper, "Of course I have your helmet. Your head is probably a magnet for the road and I'm not going to take a chance that might result in you being smeared over a road."

_Go ahead_, I thought, _it's not like it'd make much difference._

I liked taking chances. It was good to be impulsive, take chances. They gave you opportunities to laugh, and live. Taking chances and doing things was better than holding back and existing rather than living.

But I could hardly shrug it off like I didn't care if I was smeared all over the road – even if I didn't – because it would result in questions and rumours. So I swatted at him and giggled instead.

Jasper rolled his eyes and grabbed the black helmet off of the front of the motorcycle before slotting it over my head. My hair was in the way of the strap and he reached over to move it away, but I pushed his hand away quickly before he could get close to it. I lifted my hand and pushed the lose strands out of the way, trying not to think about what would happen if Jasper revealed that I was wearing a wig in the freaking parking lot. It was highly unlikely that it would actually come off, since I could even wear it in bed without it budging an inch but, still… I wasn't taking _that_ chance.

Jazz climbed onto the front of the bike and patted the seat behind him and I clambered on as he strapped his own helmet around his chin. "Hold on tight," he muttered as he went to start the engine. I wrapped my arms around him and squeezed tightly, pressing my cheek to his left shoulder blade with a smile.

Then he revved the engine and manoeuvred the bike out of the lot. Once we were away from the prying eyes of responsible adults, he revved it again and we shot along the roads, weaving in and out of cars at high speeds. The rush was exhilarating. I loved riding on Jasper's bike; it made me feel so alive. It made me feel free as opposed to how trapped I usually felt.

We stopped off at Jasper's house for a while so that he could run inside to get the weed he had saved for today, and then were on our way again.

After a while we came to the forest where the den was. Jazz drove the bike carefully through some of the forest – even though he wasn't technically allowed to – but it wasn't long before we were forced to go on foot. Jazz pushed the bike to the usual place he left it in – underneath a tarpaulin by a big rock – and then dropped our helmets beside his baby before taking my bag out of the back of it and then grabbing my hand.

We talked about our separate afternoons as we walked to the den. I tried to seem interested in what he was saying but really my mind was far away. In fact, it was lingering on Edward Cullen and his mighty fine ass.

"Does your Mom know you were staying out with us?" I heard Jasper ask.

I shrugged. "I told her I might do. She said she'd call me but I didn't tell her that I don't have my phone." I thought a little wistfully of my BlackBerry sat on my desk in my bedroom. But I was okay, I could survive without it.

Jazz raised his eyebrows. "My mom would flip out. She'd probably think that there was something wrong with me. Apparently normal teenagers are supposed to use their phones religiously."

"Jasper. Your mom's a therapist; she tries to find something wrong with everyone." I didn't like seeing Jasper's mom, Siobhan. She was trained to work out the inner tunings of teenager's minds and I was always terrified that she would work out that I was miserable and attempt to get me to tell her everything. That was why I didn't spend much time at Jazz's house. He was perceptive enough, but his mom was like six times worse.

"True," Jasper noted as the den came into sight.

The den was an ancient abandoned cottage that Emmett and Jasper had found while playing in the woods as kids. They had instantly claimed it as their den and then, when I had become friends with them and James, I had been invited into their home. It was wonderful. We spent a lot of time there because there was no one within hearing distance so we could say whatever the hell we wanted with no fear of it being heard. And we could smoke weed with no one smelling it. And we could get away from our parents for a while and they wouldn't ever find us. We had even bought a microwave between the three of us so that we could heat food to eat. The den had a lot of benefits.

Just then, Emmett appeared in the window that had been smashed to give us easier access into the building. "Hurry up, guys!"

We laughed and started running over the damp ground toward the den, the light drizzle coating our faces.

"Jeez, what took you so long?" Em complained. "I've been freezing my butt off in here for ages. _And_ I got into a fight with the blonde before we even left school!"

"The blonde?" I asked as I climbed through the window.

Jasper hopped in behind me.

"Yeah, Rosa-whatever. It might be Rosaline, or maybe Rosalie, or maybe Rosalynn. Something like that."

"What happened?" I wondered, leading the way through to the living room that we usually sat in.

He shrugged. "I walked into her or something and she got into a bit of a freak out because I broke her make-up; foundation or some shit like that."

I snorted. "She'll soon learn that foundation is useless in a place that always rains. Where did they even move from anyway?"

"Chicago," Jasper replied.

Em and I looked at him questioningly. We all flopped onto the thin, damp carpet in our usual circle.

He shrugged. "The little girl, Alice, had a free last period too and she looked a little lost. I walked her to the library because she couldn't find it and… I dunno, it came up."

"What's she like?" I asked.

Jazz wrung his hands together. "She's in our Spanish class, you know. She told me. She's nice. She talks a lot. Kind of hyper. She was all bouncy and talked at the speed of light, no kidding. She seemed nice though. She's quite pretty too. And she said that…"

Emmett cut him off. "You're fucking kidding me!"

Jazz and I looked at him, confused.

"You two have both got the hots for the new kids! What, am I supposed to bang the blonde as well? Jeez, you're gonna ditch me for the novelties!"

Jasper looked even more confused. "What are you talking about?"

"You! Man, you so like the pixie girl!"

"What? No I don't."

"You so do," Em argued. "And Bella. Sheesh, she must be pretty sexually deprived to look at a guy with that much want."

Jazz looked at me in astonishment. "Bella?"

Em laughed. "She spent the whole of gym checking out Cullen's ass. She looked like she was trying hard not to fucking orgasm from just looking at him."

I scowled. "I was not! I was just looking at him!" I hit Emmett. "You're an ass."

"Ah, but you love me for it." He winked at me.

Jasper poked my arm. "So… Edward, isn't it? You got the hots for Edward Cullen?"

I sighed. When I spoke my voice was hushed even though I knew that there was no one within hearing distance. "I dunno. He's nice to look at, I guess. He has a nice ass. And pretty eyes." _And I kind of wanted to lick his jaw._

"Pretty eyes?" Em snorted. "No one cares about eyes, B."

"Yeah," I said, pretending to agree, "you guys are all about the racks." I gestured to my chest.

Emmett and Jasper howled with laughter at my words and I rolled my eyes. Boys.

Just then, there was a crack from behind me. My head whipped round and I met a pair of alarmed green eyes that send a jolt through my girly parts. He was so beautiful… Then it sunk in. The boy I had just been gushing about – sort of – was stood in the doorway nosing in on our conversation. In our den. He could have heard what I was saying about him.

I jolted to my feet. "What the fuck are you doing here?" My voice was sharper than I had intended it to be.

Edward's eyes widened and he stuttered "I… uh… um…"

"Get out," I snapped, going over to his side. I ignored the way my rapidly-pulsing blood fizzed with the excitement of being so close to him. "Cullen, isn't it?" I feigned ignorance.

He nodded, his eyes scared. His jaw was locked shut.

"Well, this place is already taken. Go find somewhere else to hang out, asshat." I was being harsh, I knew, but his appearance did funny things to my common sense. When I say 'funny things', I mean that his eyes, and jaw, and… well, his face in general clean threw my sense out of the window.

He turned and headed back the way he had come without another word. I followed behind him and stood in the window, watching his pretty ass walk away. He turned back and smiled at me, and the smile made my knees melt. In that moment, I hated him for being so unattainable. In that moment, I hated everything. I hated leukaemia for existing, and I hated it for targeting me. I hated life for being so unfair and dangling this gorgeous, beautiful boy in front of me when I couldn't have him. I couldn't have him simply because I could never do that to him. I couldn't start a proper relationship because relationships were based on trust, and I would never be able to trust anyone enough to tell them that I was dying. Because, no matter how much I pretended to be brave, deep down I was terrified of the looming prospect, and telling anyone made it seem that much more real. And even if I did ever manage to trust someone – or even Edward – enough to tell them, then I couldn't ever drag them into my life of sickness, and sadness and I definitely couldn't expect them to stay with me. Plus, what if what had happened in Arizona happened again? I didn't think that I could bear to go through that another time.

So I scowled at him when he smiled at me. I glared after him when he wasn't really the one that deserved my anger and hatred.

Then I turned and left the kitchen, leaning against the wall when I rounded the corner and pressing the back of my head against the cold stone, breathing heavily, tears pricking my eyes.

It was so unfair. If I was just a normal girl then the worst that could happen if I fancied a boy like Edward was that he could turn me down. Maybe he'd tell everyone and I'd be a little embarrassed but even that wasn't that bad. But I wasn't a normal girl. And, even if Edward was interested in me, the word 'cancer' would send him running to the hills. Or perhaps to a pretty girl with big boobs and perfectly healthy cells instead.

"Bella?" Emmett's voice called, reminding me where I was.

I went back through to the room and sat back in my place in the circle. "Yeah?"

"You took a while. We thought you were making out in the kitchen or something." He snorted at that.

"No. I just made sure that he left," I said calmly. Then I turned to Jasper. "Weed? Please?" I needed it to get rid of this depression that had suddenly set in.

Jasper hesitated, as though he wanted to say something, but then thought better of it and nodded. "Sure, Emmett'll go get it."

Em opened his mouth to protest, but Jazz cut him off. "Won't you Em?" he said. There was an edge to his voice that said 'just do it'.

Emmett grumbled but got up and went out to the kitchen where Jasper had dumped the bag.

Jazz shuffled closer to me and took both of my hands in each of his. "Are you okay, B? You seem… sad."

"I'm fine," I said, but I didn't meet his eyes. This was what I had meant about him being too intuitive.

"You know you can tell us anything," he told me softly. "We're your best friends and we'll do anything to keep you smiling."

I smiled slightly. "Thanks, Jazz. There really isn't anything you _can_ do, though."

"Are you sure?"

I knew that this was the furthest he would pry, so I just nodded.

Emmett came back then. "Hey, break it up guys. No fucking in the front room."

I rolled my eyes but his crass comment made me smile as I slid away from Jasper.

The three of us were silent as Jazz took his stuff out of my bag and started to roll a joint. Once he was done with the bag, I reached for it and pulled out the tequila and shot glasses pouring three shots and then nudging two towards the boys. Em and I downed ours simultaneously and Jasper finished making the joint before throwing back his own. Then, I wordlessly handed him my purple lighter and he lit it, offering it to me first.

"Ladies and birthday girls first," he said in his Southern drawl; it was an accent that had mostly faded but sometimes he used it to his advantage, like when he was flirting or attempting to be gentlemanly or smooth.

"Thanks," I muttered with a little smirk before lifting the end to my lips and inhaling lightly. The moment the drug hit me, the depression cloud was lifted and my body seemed to be floating.

The rest of the afternoon passed in a bit of a blur. We smoked two joints between the three of us, and several cigarettes each and a few more shots of tequila. By the time the high was wearing off and I was starting to feel a little woozy, it was dark outside and about eight o'clock in the evening. We passed around the Visine, squeezing a drop in each eye just in case we hadn't completely come down from our highs yet, and then said our goodbyes before Emmett went off to his car in the nearby parking lot and Jasper and I headed back to his motorcycle.

He didn't ask any more questions on the way home, as he had just after Edward had left, but when we roared to a stop outside of my house, he turned the engine off rather than leaving it idling as he usually did. I pulled the helmet off of my head and self-consciously checked my wig, disguising it as running my fingers through my hair.

"Bella, something's up, I can tell," Jazz said quietly.

I sighed; _now_ he chose to notice the thing that had been plaguing me for four years. Or maybe it had just intensified now that I had found something that I wanted and couldn't have. "Honestly, it's nothing, Jazz. Just… stressed out."

He didn't look as though he bought it, but he let it go. He climbed off of the motorcycle, ditching my helmet inside the seat, and then pulled me gently into a hug, wrapping his arms around me and holding me for a long moment. I saw the front room curtain twitch over his shoulder and I was instantly nervous about the reception I would get from my mother when I went inside.

"Happy birthday. I'll see you tomorrow," Jazz whispered in my ear.

I nodded against his shoulder. "Yeah. See you at break."

He let go of me then and slung one leg back over his motorcycle. He winked at me and then started his engine back up.

I waited on the step and waved as he drove off. Then, I braced myself and went inside. I dumped my bag on the bottom stair and then went through to the kitchen, hunting around for some kind of food.

Renee was in the doorway before I could locate anything. "You forgot something," she said coldly.

I glanced over at her and she tossed my phone at me. I caught it neatly and said flatly, "Oh yeah."

"Where were you Bella?" she demanded. "I was worried sick! You said you might hang out for a bit with your friends, but it's your _birthday_, Bella! You spend that time with your family! You don't stay out until nine pm!"

I was mildly surprised by how late it was, but I didn't show it. "Mom. I'm not a child anymore. You can't tell me what to do!"

Renee's blue eyes narrowed. "I'm your mother, Bella. Of course I can tell you what to do. Phil and I made your favourite for dinner – from scratch, Bella! And you didn't come to eat it."

I rolled my eyes nonchalantly. "It's just food."

"You're not being fair," Mom said quietly.

What a surprise that was. She never thought that I was being fair. When I had wanted to stop treatment and just die once I felt that I was at the end of my tether with fucking hospitals, she hadn't thought that I was being _fair_. When I had given up on believing that this remission would be the last, the one that made me better again, she hadn't thought that I was being _fair_. When I didn't eat her fucking food, apparently I wasn't being _fucking fair_.

"_I'm _not being fair? What, you think it's _fair_ that I can't be normal? You think it's _fair_ that I can't just do things without worrying that someone's going to find out? You think it's _fair _that I can't even _think_ about talking to Edward Cullen because there are so many things stopping me from being good for him, or for any other guy?" My voice rose as I became more hysterical. "_Life's_ not fucking fair, Mom."

She sighed sadly. "I know, honey. And you know that I'd do anything to make it so, but I just can't."

"No, you can't. And neither can I."

Renee hesitated and then said, "And you went on the back of his motorcycle, didn't you?"

I rolled my eyes and went back to hunting for food. "Yes, Mom, but don't worry, I wore a helmet. It was fine. I'm not dead."

"Oh, but Bella, you _could be_. Honey, you just don't understand how dangerous those things are. I've heard too many horror stories from Charlie in the past about them to tolerate you going on one."

I clenched my fists, irritated. "Please, Mom. They're perfectly safe; Jasper's careful. But so what if I had died, really? I'm dying anyway; it would just make the whole experience that less drawn out and painful."

"_Never_ say that Bella!" Mom gasped. "Never speak as though you don't treasure your life. Your life is the most important thing to me, even if it isn't to you, so please stop speaking about it as though it's worthless."

"But it _is_!" I shrieked. "Don't you understand? What is the fucking point, Mom? What is the point to anything? It's just relapse, after relapse, after relapse. It never stays away. Even if I live for another whole year, I'll just be waiting to die. Waiting and not wanting to do anything because if I get attached to any more people I'll just end up hurting them. It's shit, Mom, this whole thing is completely fucked up. If I died right now, it wouldn't bother me in the slightest. What do I have to live for?" I honestly hadn't believed that I had anything to live for before. But now, after today, my subconscious answered with: _Edward Cullen_. Oh, shut up. That boy was just going to torture me now from my subconscious. Something to live for, but also something I couldn't have.

Renee shook her head, looking hurt. "Is that how you honestly feel, Bella?"

"Yes," I replied in a steady voice.

"What can we do to make you feel that your life has value?"

"Nothing. It doesn't."

My mom sighed sadly. "I wish you weren't so stubborn."

I laughed bitterly. "Yeah, and I wish I didn't have cancer, but some wishes are just never gonna come true." I gave up searching for something that tasted nice and grabbed an apple. "Later Mom." I turned for the stairs.

"Don't you want your presents?"

I hesitated in the doorway; her voice sounded so sad that I wanted to make her happy, but I was so damn tired and just not in the mood for this shit. "I'm sorry, Mom, I have homework." And then I took off before she could say anything. I paused halfway up the stairs, though, and heard her sigh quietly to herself before going back to Phil in the living room.

I felt hugely guilty for a long moment, but then I forced the feeling away and went on to my bedroom. I pulled my curtains closed and changed into a pair of boy shorts and a black vest top before climbing into bed. I unlocked my BlackBerry and checked the twitter feed. I wasn't following many people, so there wasn't much to read. I didn't follow anybody at school because this was private; my twitter was where I spilled my secrets. It was kind of like a blog but less hard work. One-hundred-and-twenty-six people followed my morbid tweets but before I confirmed any of them I made sure that I had no idea who they were and, more importantly, vice versa.

_What's happening?_ Twitter asked me innocently. I tapped the touchpad a few times as I thought, and then I typed: _Met an obsessive compulsive hottie today and I didn't get squished on Jazzman's bike. An especially shitty day. Happy birthday to me._

Then, I put my phone on silent and switched off the main light before huddling down under the duvet. I did _have_ homework, but I wasn't in the mood to do it. If I gave the teachers some spiel about not having enough time, or being in hospital, or whatever, then they didn't bother me about it.

I supposed having a terminal disease did have its advantages. There were very few of them, though.

**~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~**

**Yeah, Bella's a bitch and Renee overreacts. But, think about it. Renee's convinced that this is Bella's last birthday ever and so she's hurt that her only daughter doesn't want to spend time with her on her eighteenth. Then Bella has to cope with this overbearing mother and being so 'abnormal'. It's some tough shit but that's why Edward's there ;)**

**Sorry that this was a day late but that's not too bad considering I'm on hols :)**

**Also, I have to say thank you so, so much for the response to this story! I've been completely blown away by your wonderful words!**

**Regarding a few commonly asked questions (feel free to ask some of your own btw):**

**-yes, Edward's therapist is Jasper's Mom ;)**

**-no, no one knows about Bella's cancer but her and her parents**

**-yes, Edward has a bit of a shitty past. Yes, this will be revealed later on in the story :P**

**-yes, Charlie is dead. I'm sorry :( Again, more info on that later on**

**This week's rec: **_**High Anxiety **_**by **_**EdwardsBloodType **_**– I cannot tell a lie, this story has been hugely helpful as research with the weed taking and stuff. Very angsty and also has an OCD Edward but HA OCD Edward is worse than this OCD Edward (I didn't want to focus too much on that). But this is a brilliant read and totally, totally addictive.**

**Next chapter is back in EPOV and skip ahead to the next day when our favourite duo get a little surprise in their English class ;)**

**You know what I'm going to ask for now ;) Yep, I totally a review whore ;)**

**Thanks a lot! :D**

**-Steph**


	4. Chapter 4: Wishes That Are Downright

**Previously…**

What's happening?_ Twitter asked me innocently. I tapped the touchpad a few times as I thought, and then I typed: _Met an obsessive compulsive hottie today and I didn't get squished on Jazzman's bike. An especially shitty day. Happy birthday to me.

_Then, I put my phone on silent and switched off the main light before huddling down under the duvet. I did have homework, but I wasn't in the mood to do it. If I gave the teachers some spiel about not having enough time, or being in hospital, or whatever, then they didn't bother me about it._

_I supposed having a terminal disease did have its advantages. There were very few of them, though._

_

* * *

_

_"Argument is the worst sort of conversation."**- anonymous**_

"_Everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart, so that better things can fall together." __**– Marilyn Monroe**_

**

* * *

**

Taking Chances

**Chapter 4 – Wishes That Are Downright Impossible**

**Edward POV**

I didn't tell Alice and Rose about bumping into Bella, Emmett and Jasper. I didn't tell Mom and Dad that I hated the therapist almost as much as I hated this stupid town. I didn't sleep much that night either, my dreams plagued by images of Bella glaring at me and telling me that I didn't belong here.

After homeroom the next morning, I slouched to English hoping that Mr Berty would spend the whole lesson talking at us so that I could zone out and only pretend to listen. About half the class was there when I got to the room. Again, people stared as I made my way to my seat and it made me uncomfortable; how long would it take for the novelty of new students to wear off? Jess shot me a smile that I supposed was meant to be reassuring but it just looked creepy.

I started to set up the things on my desk as I waited for Mr Berty to come in, but stopped and looked up when another hush came over the class. I saw that everyone's gazes were trained on someone else, their heads together as they whispered. I glanced over to see Isabella Swan weaving her way through the desks, her eyes trained on the carpet and her cheeks red. Oh, and she was headed straight for me.

She stopped abruptly right in front of me, and looked up. Her eyes narrowed and the corners of her mouth turned down. She just stood there for a moment, and then sighed and resignedly sat in the seat beside me. Was this why my seat had been empty the day before? Where _had_ she been the day before? Because she had definitely been at lunch.

I didn't say anything, and I didn't expect her to say anything either just like in Biology the day before, but then she cleared her throat nervously.

I looked over at her.

"Um… I'm sorry… about yesterday," she said very quietly. Her eyes stared unseeingly at the desktop. "I was having a bit of a shitty day…"

I was so surprised that she had spoken that I just blinked at her for a few moments. Then I turned my head so that I wasn't staring at her and muttered, "It's okay."

She brushed a strand of hair out of her eyes and said, "Uh… I'm Bella."

"I know," I said stupidly.

"Oh." Bella looked a few desks ahead of us at Jessica. "Yeah, Jess likes to give the 'one-oh-one'." She did finger quotes as she said 'one-oh-one' but I couldn't work out why.

I scuffed my shoe against the floor nervously before saying, "Oh, I'm Edward Cullen."

She snorted. "I know."

"Oh."

There was a pause and then Bella started to pull her things out of her bag. Once she had dumped them all on the desk she turned back to me. "So where'd you move from?"

"Chicago," I replied blandly, trying not to think about it there.

"Why'd you move?" she wondered casually.

That was the one question I'd been hoping she wouldn't ask. I wasn't about to tell a stranger _that_, no matter how pretty the stranger was. I shrugged. "Fresh start, I guess."

"Oh." She looked away again. "Yeah, I've done that." There was something in her tone that I couldn't quite pinpoint. Regret, maybe? Sadness? Again, I wondered what this beautiful enigma of a girl had to be sad about.

I stared at her downcast face for a moment too long. I noticed the bags under her eyes. "Are you okay?" The question just slipped out.

She looked up in alarm. "Yes," she said, too fast. "Why?"

"You look tired," I answered, though that was really only a tiny bit of what I had noticed.

"Oh. I… uh… I didn't sleep well last night," she admitted.

I wondered if she had been thinking about me like I had been thinking about her.

I was about to ask why she hadn't slept well, but then the door opened and Mr Berty came in to start the class. I wasn't sure but I could've sworn that out of the corner of my eye I saw Bella sink back into her chair with relief.

Unfortunately, today's lesson was another class discussion. It didn't matter as much as it had at the start of the lesson because I was now very awake; and very aware of the girl sat beside me. Mr Berty says that the discussion today will be about the book the class were all asked to read for extra credit. He brought a copy to my desk, saying that he understood if I hadn't read it because it wasn't a very well-known book, and nor was it on the syllabus. But when I looked down at the book, I was surprised. It was _Sick Girl _by _Amy Silverstein_. Tanya had come across a copy at a yard sale once a few years back. She had read it and immediately demanded that I did too. I reluctantly gave in and started to read her 'morbid, girly crap'. But I had been pleasantly surprised. Yes, the woman's memoirs of her heart transplant and the occurrences that followed were upsetting but the writing was very good and the feelings it evoked were… well, completely emasculating, to be honest.

Mr Berty was not the only one surprised when I muttered that I had read it; Bella's eyes shot to my face, her eyebrows raised in astonishment. Once the teacher had returned to the front to begin the discussion, I looked back over at Bella. "What?" I whispered, a little offended by her staring.

She blushed and looked down; she wasn't really one for eye contact. "Nothing. I just… I didn't expect…"

I nodded. "Yeah. I know."

"So," Mr Berty started then, "we'll begin with the obvious. This book is made up of the memoirs of a woman who had to have a heart transplant. She, as all other people in her situation, was given the choice of having it, obviously. Had she not accepted, the most likely ending would have been that she would have died much earlier than she did; but she would possibly have lived a much higher quality life as she would not have had to give up all that she did. My question to you is – what would _you_ have done?"

Jessica raised her hand. "But isn't this more situation ethics?" she asked once he had called on her.

Mr Berty shrugged. "A little, I suppose, but it all ties in with the book."

She sighed and slouched back in her chair, mumbling, "If I wanted to debate then I would have taken situation ethics."

I rolled my eyes and heard Bella give an aggravated sigh beside me. The right side of my lips twitched at our unacknowledged identical opinions.

"Miss Swan."

I glanced up when I heard Bella's name called.

"What are your views on this subject?" Mr Berty asked. "Let's put you in Miss Silverstein's position; would you have the operation or not?"

She didn't leave a beat before her answer. "No."

A lot of people sat in front of us turned to look at Bella with curious eyes. I also turned to stare at her.

"Why not?" Mr Berty wondered.

She replied with a question of her own. "Surely it's much better to have a shorter life that you can enjoy to its full potential than a longer life that's just going to make you miserable?" Her voice was fierce, almost as though she had had this argument a hundred times before.

"Surely it's much better to live a longer life to its full potential?" Even more people turned to stare when I spoke up to argue with her.

"The longer life's full potential wouldn't be as good as the shorter life's full potential," she pointed out, turning her attention directly to me. "Why spend years and years unable to do anything? Surely it's better to have a shorter, but more enjoyable, life. You could do all of the things you've always wanted to."

"Not all of them," I corrected. "Say you wanted to travel the world, or have five kids. You wouldn't have the time to do that because you'd die."

Bella's eyes sparkled with something, but I couldn't pinpoint exactly what it was. Anger, maybe? "You would _make_ time before you die."

I scoffed. "You can't control when you die, Isabella."

"You would. I think you would. If you really, really, truly wanted to stay alive then your subconscious would keep you fighting until you'd held out for the one thing you wanted to see."

"How would you know?" I demanded. "You've never experienced anything like that. You can't even try to make these decisions until you've been through, or are going through, something like that."

Bella suddenly shot to her feet, knocking her chair over. "Fuck you, Cullen!" she shrieked. "Fuck you and your fucking _stupid_ opinions." Then, she bent over and vindictively pushed my carefully-stacked books over before storming out of the room, leaving all of her things behind.

The rest of the class, who had watched our debate escalate, stared after her as she left. Mr Berty watched too, but surprisingly didn't go after her, call her back or say anything. He just let her go.

I sat there, silent and shell-shocked.

Bella didn't come back for the rest of the lesson.

**#x#**

"Edward?" Angela asked quietly in food tech.

I looked up at her, surprised that she had spoken. She tucked a strand of her honey-coloured hair behind her ear without looking my way. I looked back down at my book, continuing to write out the properties of eggs. "Yeah?"

"Are you going to the party?"

"What party?"

"Um… Tyler Crowley's parents are out of town so he's having a house party. Week on Friday. Open house and all that. I think most of the school are going."

The moment that the words 'house party' slipped past her lips, my hand clenched around my pen, squeezing it so hard that I was lucky that it didn't snap. The last house party I had attended had been the reason why I was here. The last house party I had been at had changed my life. I desperately wished that I could go back in time and change everything that had happened that night.

I took a deep breath to calm myself before saying, "No. Why?"

Angela shrugged. "Well, Alice was talking about it at break and um…" She blushed abruptly.

I smiled and added 'binding' to my bulleted list. "And?"

She sighed and then she started speaking so fast and quiet that I had to strain my ears to hear. "Well, I really like Tyler's best friend – Ben – but he doesn't pay me any attention. Alice said that the best way to get a guy is to make them jealous so she suggested that I ask you to go with me so that Ben might see and presume stuff. It's a stupid idea, I know, but I thought that there was no harm in asking. I understand why you don't want to, I…"

"Angela," I cut her off. "It's fine, don't worry about it. I would do that for you but…" I hesitated. "Well, I don't do house parties. Not really my scene." I was a little angry that Alice had suggested this; she _knew_ what had happened and she should have known that there was no way in hell I'd ever be going to another party like that in my life.

She nodded, like she understood.

We were quiet for a while, copying the theory like good students, but then Angela piped up again; she was in an unusually chatty mood, I supposed. "What's this I hear about you getting Bella Swan to walk out of English this morning?"

I blinked at her. "You heard about that?"

"Yup. Everyone has."

"Oh." I rubbed the back of my neck nervously. My eyes raked over my writing to check that there were no misshapen 'o's or something before I said, "Um… I don't really know what happened. I said something and she just… freaked out. She's a bit weird."

Angela – who, I had gathered, clearly didn't like to be cruel about anyone however weird they were – bit her lip and said, "Maybe she's going through a tough time at home?"

"Maybe," I agreed. "Or maybe she's just a little bit special?" I grinned.

"Edward Cullen!" Angela mock-scolded.

I was about to make a smart-ass comment in return when Miss Stoke called our names and told us to be quiet. I went back to copying out the intolerably boring text, but my mind was no longer on the many properties of eggs. It was too busy wishing that Isabella Swan would notice me as more than 'the new kid' and perhaps even warm up to my efforts to befriend her. In fact, my lust-struck mind was so busy thinking about her that I barely even noticed that one of my 'o's had a flat top rather than a perfectly round one… and, when I did notice, I didn't give a damn.

**#x#**

"What the hell, Alice?" I demanded in a whisper as I sat down next to her in the cafeteria. "You _know_ I don't do fucking house parties!"

Alice glanced up at me, shell-shocked. "What?"

"You got Angela to ask me to Tyler's party!"

"No I didn't!"

"Yes you did! She told me!"

Alice gritted her teeth. "I didn't say she should ask you. I said 'you should ask another guy that you know. Like Mike Newton, or Edward.' I didn't specifically say that she should ask you."

I snorted. "Well, she clearly took it a little too literally," I snapped.

"Edward, I'm so sorry. I wouldn't ever suggest that, you know that," she said quietly, her eyes downcast, her long spidery black lashes brushing her cheek. Then she pouted. "I'm a little annoyed that you think I would, actually."

'Annoyed' was really 'hurt' in Alice language, I had come to learn.

I stared at her face for a long moment.

She looked up at me, her blue eyes wide and blinking. "She was close to me too," she whispered. "I can't imagine… what it was like for you to be there. You should know me better than that, Edward. I hate that night as much as you do. I wish I had never said anything." She let her head fall into her hands and I saw a tiny, translucent tear slip down her cheek.

I instantly felt guilty for accusing her of anything. Alice wouldn't hurt me like that, I knew she wouldn't. She was right; Tanya _had_ been very close to Alice. Almost as close as she had been to me. Alice and I were pretty close too. We still were. I should have known that she wouldn't have dropped me in it like that. I should have known that she wouldn't ever, ever make me relive my worst nightmare.

"I'm sorry, Al," I murmured. "I know you wouldn't do that. I was just… I just… freaked out, I guess."

She hurriedly wiped at her damp eyes, careful not to smudge her eyeliner, and smiled slightly at me. "I know."

Just then, Jessica dropped her tray down opposite us with a clatter and Rose placed her own tray neatly beside hers. "What's up guys?" Jess asked cheerily, waving her arms around in an annoyingly exuberant way. Her bright yellow nail polish glinted in the sunlight and, for some reason, the happy colour pissed me off. "You both look like someone's died!" Her voice was happy too, even though she was talking about people dying. Little did she know…

"Nothing," Alice replied. She turned to her tray and twirled her little fork in her teriyaki noodles.

Jessica started talking about some kind of dance that was coming up and I turned my attention to my lunch. I bypassed the mac and cheese and picked up the orange, starting to peel it. I wasn't particularly hungry, and I didn't even like oranges, but I did like the challenge they presented in trying to get the entire shell off in one piece. I peeled it away carefully, slowly. When I had almost finished, though, I felt eyes on me. Automatically, I looked over my shoulder at Bella's table.

It was not Bella who was staring at me, though.

In fact, Bella wasn't even there.

Jasper was staring right at me. No, he was _glaring_. So was Emmett. They didn't look away when I caught them, just glowered some more. I began to feel a little intimidated. I wondered if this was some kind of match; the guy who can glare for the longest time gets to fuck the pretty brunette. So, of course, I glared back.

I don't know how long our little glaring match went on for, but Jasper pulled away when his cell phone rang. He answered it, said a few brief words and then leaned over to say something to Emmett. Emmett nodded, and they both stood up. Now that it seemed safe to look away, I turned back to my orange and started to peel off the last bit.

But just as I was getting close to the end, someone walked past me, their heavy book-filled bag bumping my elbow and making me tear halfway along the peel. I exhaled in annoyance and looked up just in time to catch Jasper smirk over his shoulder before disappearing out of the cafeteria. I clenched my fists, forgetting that I had an orange in one of them, and the orange split, the juice spurting up at me. It dripped down my neck and all down my wrist. Even if I went and washed it off at that very second I would still be sticky for the rest of the day.

Was it even possible for this Jasper guy to piss me off any further? It was like some testosterone fuelled battle between us all of the fucking time. And I had only started this school yesterday. Heaven help me.

I spent the rest of the lunch hour using my knife to cut my torn orange peel into perfectly neat squares. It gave me a brilliant sense of satisfaction to look at the perfect squares and know that I had done that. Jess ate my mac and cheese until she asked if there were calories in cheese and pasta. I think Alice realised what an awful choice of friend she was in that second. I also think that Jess puked up her lunch in the toilet after we told her how many calories were in one little square of cheese.

Gross.

Butterflies started to gather in my stomach as I made my way to Biology. I hadn't seen Bella since that morning and I was worried about what she was going to say to me.

I hesitated outside of the door and gave myself a little pep talk, reminding myself that she had no right to be angry with me. It took a moment before I was ready to face her and tell her that I wasn't going to take anything back when she started on me. Then I went into the room.

I needn't have bothered with the pep talk, or the worry. Bella didn't show all lesson.

In some ways, it was a relief not to have to talk to her, or pretend that I didn't give a shit about what went through her head. Because, in all honesty, I did give a shit. I wanted to know why she had gotten so riled up at my comment. I wanted to know what made her so vicious and reclusive. I wanted to know _her_.

In other ways, it was frickin' annoying that she didn't turn up. I worried that she hadn't come because of me, which was probably true, and so then I was annoyed at myself for being mean to her. Not that I had. I had just voiced my opinion. But then I was even more annoyed at myself _for_ being annoyed at myself because she was unnecessarily angry at me for something I had done wrong when I hadn't actually done anything wrong! And that didn't even make any sense in _my _head.

So much for convincing myself that she had no right to be angry with me.

To say that I didn't take in a word of anything that was taught in that lesson would have been the understatement of the century.

I was unsurprised when she didn't show in gym either. Emmett was there, though, and he sent me the stink-eye enough times for the both of them. Dick.

I wasn't good in gym, which was unusual for me. I shrugged it off, putting it down to distraction about the whole 'being annoyed at myself' thing, but there was a niggling feeling in the back of my mind suggesting that maybe it was because Bella wasn't there.

Which, by the way, was fucking ridiculous.

Alice and Rose both beat me back to the car today. They were each leaning up against opposite sides of the car, talking over the roof about something. Rose looked a little pissed off and Alice looked encouraging.

I walked right past them and got into the drivers' seat.

"…really good together," Alice was saying as she climbed in at the same time as Rose.

Rosalie snorted. "Yeah, I'm sure we'd _look_ great together, Al. But my point still stands. There's no point dating a hot guy if he's an arrogant bastard."

I started the engine. "What _are_ you going on about?"

For once, Rose spoke for Alice instead of the other way round. "Alice thinks that I should ask that douchebag McCarty to Tyler's party with me. Which is retarded. Not only is he a complete asshole, but you don't just ask guys to house parties."

"No," I agreed, shooting a blatent look at Alice in the rear view window.

She huffed, her big eyes narrowing into slits. "Come _on_! I apologised for that already!"

"I know," I muttered, falling back into my own thoughts as Alice tried to point out to Rose that the McCarty kid was the dark-haired, muscled ying to her blonde-haired, goddess-figured yang.

While they did that, I wished. I wished that I could tell Alice that I was only a moody bastard because it was easier to pretend to be angry than admit that I was hurt. I wished that it wasn't the people I loved that got the brunt of my moods. I wished that I had tried harder to prevent Tanya's murder.

But some wishes are just downright impossible.

**~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~**

**Sorry about the length of this chapter. It's still long-ish but not as long as the others. I tried to make it longer, but it just didn't want to be :(**

**The book that they studied in English (Sick Girl by Amy Silverstein) DOES exist. I haven't read it but I found it on Amazon and it's basically a woman's memoirs about having a heart transplant. If the book is any different than I have mentioned (which it probably is) then I'm very sorry and if you've read it then please do let me know your opinion or whatever.**

**Also sorry about posting two days late, but I just came back from holiday and then I went to a party to celebrate getting our GCSE results last night… we got a little bit smashed… and, just because I **_**know**_** I'll be asked, I got 2 Bs, 8 As and an A*. The A* was NOT for English, disappointingly, but I did get an A in it. (And if you think that's good, one of my best friends got straight A*s… like in everything) Now I'm going to shut up about that because it's very embarrassing, especially when my mother's gushing to anyone that walks past… *cringe***

**Rec of the week – **_**For the Summer **_**by c**_**amoozle**_**. Just so awesome. It's full of adorableness and it's the PERFECT balance between fluff and story. A new addition to my list that should have been put there months ago. And did I mention that it's complete? :)**

**The next chapter takes us back to BPOV and you'll find out where she's vanished to. I will post this EITHER on Monday 6****th**** September (the day I go back to school *sniff and cry* OR when we reach 200 reviews :) If we hit that overnight then I'll get writing and post tomorrow. So yeah :)**

**Please review!**

**Thanks**

**-Steph**


	5. Chapter 5: Mother Daughter Time

**Previously…**

_For once, Rose spoke for Alice instead of the other way round. "Alice thinks that I should ask that douchebag McCarty to Tyler's party with me. Which is retarded. Not only is he a complete asshole, but you don't just ask guys to house parties."_

_"No," I agreed, shooting a blatent look at Alice in the rear view window._

_She huffed, her big eyes narrowing into slits. "Come on! I apologised for that already!"_

_"I know," I muttered, falling back into my own thoughts as Alice tried to point out to Rose that the McCarty kid was the dark-haired, muscled ying to her blonde-haired, goddess-figured yang._

_While they did that, I wished. I wished that I could tell Alice that I was only a moody bastard because it was easier to pretend to be angry than admit that I was hurt. I wished that it wasn't the people I loved that got the brunt of my moods. I wished that I had tried harder to prevent Tanya's murder._

_But some wishes are just downright impossible._

* * *

"_Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go." – Author Unknown_

**

* * *

**

Taking Chances

**Chapter 5 – Mother-Daughter Time**

**Bella POV**

The bunch of tiny stones hitting the wall sounded like rain on a sheet of corrugated iron. Or just a sheet of metal. Who cared about specifics?

I reached into the gravel and dug my fist around another handful, throwing that at the wall even harder. It bounced off with the same noise and scattered across the grass. I lifted my hand and wiped my streaming eyes with the back of my hand.

_How very fucking _dare _he._

"Ugh!" I exclaimed as I threw another handful of gravel. I missed the little wall that stuck up out of the grass this time, the gravel flying clean over the top. I was sat in the woods a short walk away from our house.

I had walked right out of school after the disastrous English lesson; I couldn't bear to look at his face after that, and we still had to attend two lessons together, even if they were hours later. I was so _angry_ that I just couldn't stick around any longer. So I had bolted. And I didn't want to sit alone in the house that had never really become a home to me, so I had come to where I always did when I needed to think, or cry, or whatever; the woods that Dad had brought me to when I was a little girl. I sat on a mound of moss a few metres away from the brook that we used to catch minute fish in with little, brightly-coloured nets, throwing fistfuls of gravel at a little wall that rose out of the ground, left behind from years ago. Who knew what the wall had been? Perhaps a little house, maybe a well. But, again, who cared about specifics?

I sniffed loudly and attempted again to control my tears. But they still flowed thick and fast, gushing down my cheeks like a waterfall. I knew why Edward's words had me so riled. I wished that I didn't know why I had reacted so strongly to his argument, but I did. Oh, I did.

I could argue for my ideals until the cows came home but they would forever remain as ideals, never realistic situations. I could tell Edward Cullen how strongly I believed that people could choose when they lived and died as much as I wanted, but my beliefs would never make things true. And there he sat, in his casual designer labelled jeans, his books stacked neatly at right-angles, his strange yet somehow perfect hair sticking out in every conceivable direction, his green eyes alight with the excitement of our debate. There he sat shooting down my optimistic views, shooting down my hope and shooting down the shred of something I held onto; the something that told me to hang on to my life or I'd be missing out on something big.

Yeah. I acted all blasé about dying, I told Renée that I didn't care about dying, I told the doctors to stop with the intense chemo after the fourth remission… but really I was fucking terrified. I didn't want to die. Not really. No matter what I said about wanting to be squished on Jasper's bike. Really, I was just as scared as anyone else would be. And I hated it when people reminded me of my insecurities. Especially designer-clothed, obsessive-compulsive, sexy-haired Greek gods. I hadn't felt like this much of a naive child in years.

I was just so fucking confused about how to feel about everything. It hurt my head to think about it.

Suddenly, there was a noise behind me, and I felt a hand on my shoulder. I didn't try to hide that I was crying, or even try to stop. I didn't turn to see who it was either; I already knew.

Mom sat down beside me and wrapped her arm around my shoulders. I leant into her, letting my head fall onto her shoulders. Because, really, what was better for a naive child than her mother's hug? She held me for a long time, both arms around me, rocking me gently from side to side and making soothing noises in my ear.

Eventually, she said quietly, "Sweetie, it's okay. I'm sorry."

I gasped for breath a couple of times and then I shook my head and whispered, "No it's not. It's never okay, Mom." I looked up to see that she was crying as well, her mascara was running down her cheeks.

"Oh honey." She kissed my forehead and brushed some of my hair out of my face. "There are good days and bad days, you know that. This is just being a bit of a shitty day. It'll be over soon and then tomorrow will be better."

"But he was right, Mom," I said, pulling my knees up to my chest and wrapping my arms around them. "I will never be able to travel the world, or have five kids." I paused and then said, in a barely audible voice, "You'll never be able to have grandchildren."

"Never say never, honey. Never's an awful long time."

"I know." I sighed. "How did you know that I'd be here anyway?"

"Your school called my work. They told me that something happened in your English class and you walked out."

"I don't mean here. I mean… _here_." I gestured around the woods.

A little smile hovered on my mom's lips. "I didn't _know_ that you'd be here. But you weren't at home, so I hoped that you would be. And you were."

I nodded. I was silent for a while, listening to the sound of the water rushing past in the brook.

"You know," Renée said suddenly, "your dad used to like coming down here, too. This exact spot."

I smiled a little. "When?"

She shrugged. "Whenever. He came here when I told him I was pregnant. I was just a couple of years older than you. I told him and he ran here. I followed him and he was just sat here, crying. When I told him that I was sorry, he looked at me like I was mad. He told me not to be sorry, that it was brilliant news. He said that we should do things the right way. Then he proposed to me. 'Marry me, Renée' he said. 'Marry me, and everything will be just fine.'" My mother smiled, memories dancing in her eyes. Then, she turned back to me. "And you know what?"

"What?"

"It was. It was better than fine. Your father was a man of his word, Bella. And maybe I'm not always right, but everything _will_ be fine in the end, just like he said. If everything's not fine, then it's not the end."

Fresh tears dribbled down my cheeks. "When is the end Mom?" I asked in a whisper. "I'm so tired of waiting for it."

Her face was damp with new tears, too. She squeezed my middle again. "I don't know, honey. I just don't know."

"I'm sorry about last night. I'm sorry I yelled at you."

"I'm sorry I expected you to come back. I'm sorry that I always expect things of you." She hugs me even closer. "Ignore my expectations, Bella. You should always do what you feel comfortable doing. Never do something because I expect you to."

"I don't."

Mom laughs. "I know."

The conversation runs out, and we sit on the moss in silence. The same bit of moss that my parents got engaged on. I never knew that. We sit there, on this bit of moss, linked and silent. We sit there, waiting for the end, and the fineness that would come with it.

**#x#**

I called Jasper at lunchtime because I knew that he would be wondering where I had been in Spanish. I told him that I was sick and he asked what had happened with Cullen earlier in English because, apparently, the news had gone around the whole school. I told him that it was nothing, we had just had a disagreement and I snapped at him because I felt ill. I didn't know why I defended Cullen, I just felt like I should. After all, he wasn't to know that I _was_ going through something like that, as he had put it.

I spent the afternoon reading, losing myself in turn-of-the-century England. When I had finished reading _Pride and Prejudice_ for the bazillionth time, I lay on my back on my bed wondering what England was really like. I wished that I would be able to go to London one day. But that was just another of those stupid wishes that would never come true, no matter how hard I wished.

Then I did something I hadn't done in a while; I went and cooked dinner with Renée again. Stirring the sauce to go over the nachos in the pan sent me back to when I was young and danced around the kitchen gathering ingredients for my mom.

Phil was working late that evening so Mom and I ate alone, just the two of us. It was nice. Mom said that they were the best nachos she had ever had.

I opened my birthday presents after dinner. I got a bunch of new clothes – Renée had found a lot of really nice long-sleeved tops – and a little basket. When I opened that, I glanced up at my mom in confusion. "What?"

She smiled. "We thought that it was time to get you a little companion. Not a dog because you know how I feel about walking, and the smell, but… here." She handed me a little photo.

I took the photo between my fingers and looked down at it. It was a photo of a tiny, adorable, fluffy black kitten. I felt the corners of my mouth turn up at the bewildered expression on the cat's face. "He's so cute!" I said, touching my finger to the paper.

"I know, isn't he just?" Renée cooed. "We can go pick him up this weekend. You need to think of a name for him, though."

I mulled it over for a second. "Max," I said.

Mom laughed. "You don't have to name him right now."

"No, I want to call him Max. It looks like it should be his name."

She ruffled my hair. "Whatever makes you happy."

I smiled up at her, looking into her light blue eyes at the temporary happiness that had appeared because of my delight at the present. "It really does make me happy," I said softly. "Thanks, Mom."

She pulled me close for a hug and kissed my forehead like she did when I was a kid. "Anytime, honey."

I loved my new kitten (or the prospect of him), I really did. But, somehow, the material presents I had received didn't seem like much compared to the comforting she had given me that morning, and the time we had spent together in the evening.

I went to bed early then, which turned out to be just as well because I woke up at four o'clock in the morning with blood pouring from my nose, my pillow sticky with congealed red mess. I sighed and swung my legs out of bed, pinching my nose as I wandered through to the bathroom. Then I sat on the side of the bath, holding tissue to my face and sitting there, half asleep as I waited for it to stop.

It didn't.

Eventually, an hour and a half later, I realised that this wasn't one of those nose bleeds that would just go away. I got some more fresh tissue and went through to my mother's room. She was fast asleep, one leg draped over Phil, her mouth slightly open. I smiled slightly at her childlike way of sleeping.

"Mom," I said quietly. My voice sounded funny.

She stirred, but didn't wake.

"Mom!"

Her eyes opened and she squinted at me. "Bella? What's the matter?"

I gestured to my face. "It's happening again."

Mom sighed and sat up, rubbing her eyes. "Okay. Give me a second and I'll take you to the hospital."

I nodded and went back to my room where I changed one-handedly into a pair of sweat pants and pulling my old gray hoodie over the vest top I had slept in. I looked a mess but I knew that Jazz and Em wouldn't give a damn when I got into school, so neither did I. If I ever got into school.

A while later, my clammy forehead was pressed against the cool glass of the passenger seat window as the early morning darkness flashed by on our way to Forks general hospital. My nose was still bleeding profusely, and Mom was still half-asleep.

Lucy, the early-morning receptionist, looked up when she came in, and a glimmer of recognition went through her eyes. "Hey there, Bella. Been picking your nose again?"

I rolled my eyes at her, but she knew that I was kidding. I liked Lucy. I liked her cheerfulness, and her teasing. It was much better than some other people who worked at the hospital; they knew what was wrong with me and danced awkwardly around me like leukaemia was contagious. Also, Lucy's younger sister, Callie, was one of my best friends. There were ten years between the two of them (Callie was the same age as me), and I had met Callie one day on the leukaemia ward two years ago. We had been in at the same time for a few blood transfusions and bone marrow shit and had become pretty good friends. Then, when she had had a relapse, and I hadn't, she had stayed in contact with me; she visited me in the hospital when I was there over a weekend or school holiday and brought gifts and talked to me on the phone. She was one of the few people who could make me laugh when I was having treatment.

Then I had had a relapse as well; my third in three years. For a few weeks we saw each other at weekends and after school, but then Callie had gone back to the hospital when she went into her first remission. I skipped some school to be with her because I knew from experience how shit-scary it was to be told that the disease had come back. And also because I had little hope that I wouldn't experience another.

Callie was home-tutored so she didn't have to fit treatment around her studies as I had asked to; I hadn't wanted anyone at school to know about the cancer because I knew only too well what happened when everyone knew. So Callie had been in hospital all the time. I visited her a lot.

Then, almost a year after I had gone into my relapse I started finding bruises all over my body again. I went back to the hospital to confirm what I already knew; the cancer was winning again. It was like a fucking tennis rally. One minute I had the upper hand, the next this disease was in the lead. This time, though, I was tired of fighting so hard to win this match. I had wanted to give up and just have no treatment at all, but Mom had insisted that I at least have _something_. So the doctors had come up with a unique treatment involving pills and horrible injections and various other shit. But it meant that I didn't have to spend much time in the hospital. I had been on this regime for almost a year.

I still visited Callie, but she was having intense chemo and I felt guilty watching her fight for her life. No, not guilty. I felt _weak_. Like I had given up. So I started visiting less frequently but we were still good friends. I think that she understood how I felt, and that was why she wasn't offended by the new distance I had put between us.

But yeah. Callie was a good friend. She understood me, and I understood her. And Lucy understood for both of us.

Callie was still in the hospital, still having her intense chemo. The first bout of it hadn't worked too well so they were about to re-do it. She had been an inpatient for almost six months now and this repeat of the chemo would take at least another four months. I think that was why Lucy had taken up the weekday early-morning shift as well as her weekend afternoons; to be closer to Callie.

Lucy flipped her bob of white-blonde hair behind her ears and paged my doctor. "If you take a seat, Dr Gerandy will be along as soon as he can be," she said.

"Can we wait up in the ward?" I asked, trying to remember the last time I had spoken to Callie face-to-face. We had spoken on the phone the day before my birthday, but I hadn't seen her in weeks.

Lucy's lips twitched slightly. Then she sighed. "Technically, no, but I'm sure we can make an exception this one time."

"Thanks Luce." I beamed at her, but she probably couldn't see because of the damn tissue.

Mom followed me, still half-asleep, to the leukaemia ward. I stopped to ask a nurse that I recognised where Callie Macpherson was because they moved people around all of the time. But she was in the same place so I found her in no time.

Thankfully, she was awake. She was sat up in bed, reading a Biology textbook. I paused in the doorway, watching her. Callie was amazingly beautiful. Like really, really pretty. The most striking thing about her had been her auburn-brown hair, but since that had gone now because of the chemo her big brown eyes stood out. They skimmed the pages and I could tell that she wasn't really taking in what she was reading because she was biting her lip thoughtfully, meaning that her mind was in another place. Sometimes, Callie and I were too similar.

"Hey," I called lightly, walking over to her bedside.

She looked up and a huge smile lit up her face. "Bella. Why are you here so early?"

I gestured to my nose. "Blood pouring down my face, same old, same old."

"Same old," she repeated.

"How about you? How are you?"

Callie shrugged, shutting her book and putting it on the desk. "Alright. They start the chemo next Wednesday."

I cringed a little, remembering the pain. "Ouch."

"Yeah." She sighed. "But, hey, this time should work, right?"

"Definitely," I said, even though we both knew that nothing was guaranteed in the slightest. Statistics showed that we were more likely to survive this than not, but we weren't numbers on a graph. We were people. And some people had to be in the minority. The chances of having four relapses in five years were very, very low. But it had to happen to someone. And that someone apparently had to be me.

"Did you have a good birthday?"

I glanced over at the chair my mom was sat on but she was already practically asleep again so I scowled and replied, "No. It was a bit shitty, to be honest. So was yesterday."

"Why?"

Edward's face flashed in my mind and I twisted my fingers together in my lap, looking down at my bitten-down nails. "Well, some new kids started at school – two girls and a boy – and the boy was in two of my classes and, Callie, he's completely gorgeous." I glanced at Renée, but there was no way she could hear me.

Callie cocked an eyebrow at me. "I'm failing to see how this is shitty, to be honest."

"He… ugh, there's something wrong with him." I didn't know where I had drawn this conclusion from, but I carried on talking anyway. "He's obsessive-compulsive, I know he is, and he has this look about him like… I don't know… he just seems kind of out of it, you know? But he has a really, _really_ nice jaw that I want to lick, and he has these green eyes that are like some weird kind of green fire, and he has really strange but cool hair, and I love his fingers, and I want him to touch me all over, and I want him to love me, and I want to talk to him, and I want him to want to talk to me, but he's so standoffish and I just can't and…" I drew in a deep breath when I ran out after everything came out in a rush. I hadn't even been aware that I was thinking all of that shit. "Argh. He drives me crazy and makes me tingle all over and there's this… spark. Like electricity. Like it's meant to be. You know?"

Callie smiles slightly, her skin stretching over her face bones. She's gotten really skinny. "It sounds like you have a crush, Bella."

I groan, but it's muffled into the tissue. "But nothing can happen because…" I trailed off. I didn't even want to tell _Callie_ that I was too scared to get attached to someone else. I was scared of hurting someone else when I died. It wasn't _if_, it was _when_.

But Callie nodded. And I knew that she knew. I knew she understood.

Just then, the doors opened and a doctor came in. I hadn't seen him before. He looked young, and he was very handsome. He had a shock of blonde hair that looked like a hand had been pushed through it and piercing blue eyes. He was gorgeous. And he came right to my side.

"Isabella Swan?" he asked me gently.

"Um… yes?"

"I'm Dr Cullen and I'm taking over from Dr Gerandy when he retires. Since Dr Gerandy is busy right now, I'll be taking care of you today. If that's all right with you?"

I turned to Callie, my eyes wide with alarm. A new doctor with the surname Cullen? There was no way that this was a coincidence. But Callie looked at me strangely and I remembered that I had never actually told her Edward's name so she didn't have a clue what I was shocked about. And then I remembered that Dr Cullen was waiting for me to respond.

"Yes," I muttered, ducking my head embarrassedly at my little display. I reach over and shake Renée's leg. "Mom."

Her eyes opened warily and she blinked a few times before looking up at Dr Cullen. He introduced himself to her as well, and then gestured for us to lead the way.

"Can I meet you there?" Renée asked tiredly. "I really could do with a coffee."

"Yeah," I replied, knowing that she was asking me.

Then Mom walked off to find a coffee machine, or shop. I waved goodbye to Callie and then let Dr Cullen lead the way.

"Is she your friend?" he asked politely as we walked.

I nodded before realising that he couldn't see me. My cheeks flushed a light pink. "Yes."

"Callie's a nice girl."

Apparently Dr Cullen was treating her as well. "Yes." There was a long pause and then, because I apparently couldn't control my big mouth, I blurted, "Do you have a son?"

Dr Cullen turned and looked at me in surprise. "What?"

I suddenly felt very, very stupid. "Um…"

"Edward said something about me?" The doctor looked sceptical.

I shook my head. "I just… you have the same surname."

"Oh." Dr Cullen looked less shocked now. He fell silent, absorbed in his own thoughts until we reached the door to Dr Gerandy's little room. He opened it, gesturing for me to go in first.

I thanked him and then went in and hopped up on the little bed, still holding the tissue to my face. I watched as Dr Cullen crossed the room to wash his hands in the little sink. His expression was still a little shell-shocked. My eyes narrowed slightly. What on earth would make him react like _that_?

"What seems to be the problem?" His voice brought me out of my thoughts.

"My nose is bleeding," I answered, even though that couldn't have been much more obvious. I presumed that it was standard procedure, because Dr Cullen didn't seem that stupid.

He came over to my side and peeled away the tissue, throwing it in a bin before taking my face carefully in his cool hands and turning it from side to side. His fingers probed gently along the bridge of my nose as I wondered what on earth that could tell him. I had leukaemia; my nose bled from time to time. I didn't need an inspection; I just needed something to make it stop.

"How long has this been bleeding?"

"Nearly two hours. Last time it bled for so long Dr Gerandy made it stop."

"Does this happen often?"

I shrugged. "From time to time. It's something to do with the blot clotting and then bursting and the blot clots because of something to do with my leukaemia." I wondered if he knew that I had leukaemia when he had started treating me. He didn't seem surprised so I presumed so.

A little smile was on his lips. "I know."

Of course he knew; he was a doctor. I blushed again, though it was a surprise that there was any blood left in my face at all. "Hmm."

The room fell silent again after he passed me more tissue and told me to squeeze the bridge of my nose. He pulled my file off of Dr Gerandy's shelf – the reason, I presumed, that we had come to this room – and was flicking through it.

"How do you know Edward?" His voice cut through the silence very suddenly, making me jump. His back remained facing me.

"He's in my English class, and my Biology class, and gym," I replied steadily.

"Oh."

I hesitated but then said, "You won't say anything, will you? I mean… um…"

"Of course not," he assured me.

I nodded. "Just checking. Why… why were you surprised that I knew him?"

Dr Cullen glanced up at me over the top of my folder. He smiled wryly. "Edward doesn't know people. He's not a people person."

"I noticed."

Now the doctor nodded, scratching the back of his neck. I noticed that when he spoke of Edward, he suddenly seemed about ten years older. "Ah," he said softly. "I see." Then, he said, "I'll be back in a second," and left me alone.

Mom came back before he did. She sat beside me, sipping her coffee wordlessly.

Dr Cullen came back with two ice packs. He ordered me to hold one over the inside of my wrist and one over the bridge of my nose. Then he wrote my treatment in my folder.

After a while, my nose cleared up and I had told Mom to remember ice packs next time this happened. We didn't speak of Edward again.

**#x#**

Mom took me back home and I drove myself to school this time. She insisted, not me, and I think that it had something to do with having to drive my truck home so that I couldn't go on Jasper's bike. I didn't know whether to be irritated, or touched.

I tucked the photo of Max into my wallet before I headed off to school. The thought of having my own pet, a whole life I could take care of by myself, seemed more freeing than I would have been able to imagine. I didn't have many friends round, so it would be nice to have the company every once in a while. Jasper and Emmett came round occasionally, but we preferred to hang out in places where there were no adults so it _was_ occasionally.

I pulled up in the school parking lot just as the bell rang signalling the end of first period. Great. I had missed English _again_ and had gotten into school in time for my free period. What was the point in that? I sighed and drummed my fingers against the wheel for a few seconds before deciding to go and find Mr Berty and apologise to him for walking out the day before, and not turning up this morning.

All of the teachers knew about my leukaemia, but Mom and I had requested that they did not issue any special treatment. Of course, that was impossible for some people. Mr Berty was one of the few to whom it was not.

I meandered through the crowds that were rushing to their next class slowly. By the time that I got to Mr Berty's classroom, the corridors were mostly empty. I knocked on his door, and then peered through the glass window, regretting my decision to come here almost instantly.

Because, when I looked in, the only thing that my eyes could find in the room was the back of someone's head. And not just any someone. Edward Cullen. At the sound of my knock, he turned to look at me, and then dropped his gaze. He was so, so beautiful; it almost hurt me to look at him.

A moment later, he turned and came toward the door. Not wanting to seem rude, I opened the door and held it for him, though it was the last thing I wanted to do. The thing I wanted to do right then, was turn and run and hide from this bizarrely beautiful boy. No, no that was a lie. The thing I _really_ wanted to do right then was march right on in there and press my lips against his, and keep on kissing those soft, pouty lips forever and ever.

But I knew that physics and biology meant that we'd have to stop for air sometime. And I knew myself too well to think that I'd ever be brave enough to actually do that.

So I held the door, smiling slightly as he walked past so that he wouldn't think that I was a complete bitch. As he walked past, a slight breeze hit my face and I couldn't help but breathe in his scent. He smelt like posh aftershave, and apple shampoo, and boy. His smell made my girly bits tingle with want.

I held my breath, not wanting to go and apologise to my teacher this hideously turned on, and then went into the classroom.

"Good morning, Bella," Mr Berty said brightly. Then he softened his tone. "Is everything okay?"

"It's fine," I said indignantly. "I just wanted to apologise for… um… yesterday."

Mr Berty frowned as he packed away some of his papers. "No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have directed that question at you."

I ground my teeth together. "Yes you should! I don't want any special treatment because I'm _sick_. If I had a cold, nobody would give a damn. Just because a few cells in my body don't want to do as they're fucking told, it doesn't mean that I need to be treated any differently to anyone else!"

He looked up at me, his eyes sad. "Okay. I'm sorry. Your apology is accepted." Then he shook his finger at me. "And watch your language young lady."

I smiled. "Thank you." Then I turned to leave.

"Oh, Bella?"

I looked back. "Yeah?"

"Edward was asking after you. He's worried that he's hurt your feelings. Cut him a little slack, hey?"

I blinked. Edward had been _asking after me_? Then I nodded. "Um… sure." I hesitated. "Hey, Mr B?"

"Yes?"

"Is… is Edward okay?" I bit my lip and shuffled my shoes, looking down at the floor as I asked my question so quietly that it was almost inaudible.

Mr Berty came over to where I loitered in the middle of the room. "Why would you say that?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. He seems… sad."

He smiled. "You two are too similar for your own good," he said. "I don't know anything about Edward, Bella, but you know that, even if I did, I couldn't disclose personal information to you. But I do agree with you. Maybe you can make him happy?" he suggested with a wink. Before I could misinterpret it, he added, "Talk to him, you know. Be friendly."

I sighed. "I doubt that that would make him happy. But I'll try."

Mr Berty shook his head and muttered, "Kids." Then he dismissed me, and went back to his desk.

I headed for the door, keeping my eyes on my feet as I wondered what to do with this free period. I knew that I should probably catch up from this last English lesson, but I didn't really know anyone in my class that would help me, and not many had a free now anyway…

Then, I walked into something hard and stumbled backwards. "Oof!" My bag slipped off of my arm and my things tumbled all over the floor, just as a hand reached out and grabbed my wrist firmly in a tight grasp. Electric tingles shot through my skin, red hot sparks. I gasped quietly and looked up, my eyes meeting green. My heart thudded unevenly in my chest and my cheeks heated up.

I pulled my wrist away and bent down, starting to pick up my things. I hurriedly shoved books and pens into my bag at random, trying to ignore the heat that was all over my body from his touch. I had never felt that before.

"Sorry, I… um… here… let me…" Edward babbled.

I kept my eyes to the floor, studiously ignoring him. When I turned back a moment later, he was holding some of my things out to me, his cheeks tinged with a pink hue. I looked down at his hands, my blush deepening when I saw what he had picked up.

Edward Cullen; quite possibly the most beautiful boy I had ever lain eyes on; the boy who somehow turned me on just by glancing at him; the boy whose jaw I wanted to lick. And the boy who currently was handing me back three tampons. Which also made him the boy who would likely never speak to me ever again.

_Fucking great._

**~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~**

**Thanks so much for hitting the 200! I have to admit that I was doubtful that it would happen but we did it! :) And so here is your chapter right on time ;) AND it's super, super long ;) Hopefully makes up for the shorter last chapter :)**

**I know that the middle of the chapter wasn't too interesting but it's all important so bear with me please :) And Callie is going to be a hugely important character so pay attention to her ;)**

**I feel that I should add here that I know absolutely NOTHING about hospitals and treatment for cancer. I have googled the hell out of it but there is only so much stuff you can find on google- and only a fraction of that you can understand without a frickin medical degree. So DO NOT take anything you read here to be true. I'm also using slight creative license with bits and pieces. The ice pack on the inside of your wrist IS actually a cure I read on the internet for nose bleeds, though ;) Don't say you don't learn anything from reading these stories ;)**

**Easy Twilight Trivia! Now, some of you may have noticed this earlier on in the chapter, but I stole a cast member's cat's name. So I'm gonna ask you if you know whose it was just for fun. It's really easy so I'm sure most of you will know but I'll ask all the same ;) Which cast member has a cat called Max?**

**Rec of the week: **_**This Is Not My Life **_**by **_**Isakassees. **_**If you're not reading/have read this then I don't know where you have been. I'm absolutely sure that everyone who reads Twific has read this and has something good to say about it. And what's not to like, really? It's got Daddyward, drama, romance, adorableness, BRILLIANT characterisations… and there're even some lemons if you like that kinda thing. Have a look ;)**

**Next chapter there'll be some Bella/Edward interaction! Le gasp, I know; the outsiders actually speaking! :P It's back in EPOV ;)**

**I'm not sure when I'll next update. If you guys can hit 260 reviews then I'll update then, but I have to admit that I'm playing it safe with that number because I don't have the next chapter ready yet. If you hit that in, like, a day then I'm a little bit screwed :L**

**But please review anyway! Being screwed isn't always a bad thing… ;)**

**Thank you all so much! :)**

**-Steph**


	6. Chapter 6: Brother Sister Time

**A/N: Yes, I changed the title; Taking Chances didn't have a good feel about it for me, nor did it seem original enough. Sorry for any confusion this may have caused. Reasoning behind the title is at the start of chapter 1 :)**

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Previously…

"_Sorry, I… um… here… let me…" Edward babbled._

_I kept my eyes to the floor, studiously ignoring him. When I turned back a moment later, he was holding some of my things out to me, his cheeks tinged with a pink hue. I looked down at his hands, my blush deepening when I saw what he had picked up._

_Edward Cullen; quite possibly the most beautiful boy I had ever lain eyes on; the boy who somehow turned me on just by glancing at him; the boy whose jaw I wanted to lick. And the boy who currently was handing me back three tampons. Which also made him the boy who would likely never speak to me ever again._

Fucking great.

_

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_

"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing." - George Bernard Shaw

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**The Dash In Between**

**Chapter 6 – Brother-Sister Time**

**Edward POV**

All night I tossed and turned, worrying about facing Isabella Swan the next morning in English. But, just like the day before, my worry was unnecessary; I was the only one at our desk for the whole lesson.

For the whole lesson, I worried that Isabella had changed her whole schedule because of me. I wondered whether she hated me so much that she had even changed schools. It seemed like such an overreaction but we had moved halfway across the country just because there were rumours flying about me; I was hardly one to talk about being prone to overreaction. Okay, there had been a little more to our move than that, but whatever.

When the bell rang for the end of the period, I packed up slowly, making sure that the corners of my books all lined up in my bag, even though I knew that as soon as I lifted it, they would all move about. It wasn't until the classroom was empty, though, that I lifted my bag. I slung it over my shoulder and walked up to Mr Berty's desk.

"Um… Mr Berty?" I asked quietly.

He looked up, seemingly surprised that I was still there. "Yes, Edward?"

"Um… well… I was just wondering…" I hesitated and then sighed. "Is Bella okay? Isabella Swan."

"Why would you say that?" he wondered.

"Well… she seems sad. And I think I hurt her feelings yesterday… and I haven't seen her since."

A sad looked floated across Mr Berty's face. "She's okay," he replied, dropping his eyes to his desk. "She's just going through a bit of a tough time. I'm sure she would appreciate your concern, but…"

A knock on the door interrupted him. We both looked over to see a familiar face peering through the window in the door. The moment that my eyes met her dark ones, I dropped my gaze, feeling like a little boy caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

"It appears that your worries are unwarranted, Edward," Mr Berty said softly. "You should get to class."

It was clear that he wanted to speak to Bella alone for a moment, so I didn't bother telling him that I had no class to get to. I nodded and held my jaw tightly for a second before walking to the door. Bella opened it before I got there and stepped into the room, holding the door open for me. I nodded at her in thanks, passing her by. Other than those courteous gestures, we didn't acknowledge each other.

I started down the corridor, walking slowly as I wondered where to go for my free period. Both Alice and Rosalie were in lessons so I was alone. But, as I walked away, I felt like I was leaving something behind. I stopped in the middle of the deserted corridor, contemplating this. After a moment, the only conclusion that I could come to was that I owed Isabella an apology. And I knew where she was and I had time to apologise.

So I turned round, walked back down the corridor and leant against the wall outside of Mr Berty's classroom.

Minutes ticked by as I waited but eventually the door opened and Bella emerged, her shoulders hunched, her head down. She walked right into me.

"Oof!" she huffed as she stumbled backwards, her bag slipping off of her arm and the contents spilling on to the floor.

Instinctively, I reached out and grabbed her bare wrist to stop her from falling. The moment that our skin touched, it was like fireworks shot up my arm, exploding everywhere. The spark continued to ripple through my body as I stared dumbfounded at her; until she pulled her hand away, blushing furiously.

She avoided my eyes and bent down to start picking up her things.

"Sorry, I… um… here… let me…" I clamped my lips together to stop the babble and bent down to help her gather her things. I kept my eyes firmly on the ground and my own hands because I knew that not only would looking at her blush distract me but it would also give me a major fucking hard-on. Which would not look good. 'Hey Bella I'm totally sorry for whatever I did yesterday even though I have no idea what that was... And, oh yeah, please ignore the massive boner I get just from looking at you.' That was sure to win her over.

It wasn't until I held out her things that I realised that I had inadvertently picked up her tampons.

_Great move, Cullen. You couldn't go for the books and leave _them_ to her, could you? No, you just had to hand her back the things she is gonna stick _up there_ and look like a complete pervert, didn't you?_

Bella and I were both too embarrassed to meet each other's eyes for a few long, tense moments so I stood and took the third degree from my internal nagging machine until Bella broke me out of my own head.

"Um... Thanks," she said awkwardly as she took her things from me and hurriedly hid them away in her bag.

I watched her, unable to tear my eyes away even though I knew that I should.

Did I mention that my attempts to divert my hard-on had gone to waste? No? Well they had.

"I guess I'll see you around," Bella muttered eventually before turning and walking off.

I was frozen to the spot with mortification for a few seconds but then I got myself together and dashed after her, while thinking of my Gran in nothing but a tutu, and dead kittens to get my disobedient dick back in hand. Metaphorically speaking, of course.

"Hey, wait up!" I called after her as she went through the doors that led to the courtyard.

Bella hesitated a few feet in front of me, as though debating whether to ignore me or not, but she slowed to a halt and then perched on the seat of one of the benches, hugging her orange ring-binder to her chest as she watched me approach, her big, dark eyes conveying no emotion. She shivered a little as a strong breeze blew the light rain around even in the sheltered area of the courtyard and tapped her foot impatiently.

I stopped when I was in front of her and scratched the back of my neck nervously, suddenly unsure of what to say.

Bella's dainty fingers fiddled with the sleeves of her hooded sweatshirt which, I noticed, was clearly a boy's hoodie. I wondered whether it was her boyfriend's and whether she had nabbed it from him to feel close to him. That security thing that girls liked. I wondered whether it was Jasper's. I was instantly green with envy of whoever this boyfriend was; Jasper, or Emmett, or some other faceless moron. At the moment, though, I was picturing myself beating Jasper to a pulp because he was the most likely candidate, apparently. And, once he was out of the way, I wanted her to wear one of my hoodies... preferably my old football sweatshirt that had 'CULLEN' written across the back in capital letters. Anything that would label her as mine.

And then, because I was thinking about it (and probably because all of the blood that usually helped my brain to think had gone for a vacation down south), I stupidly blurted, "Are you wearing a boy's hoodie?"

Bella blinked up at me in confusion, and then looked back down at her sweatshirt. She shrugged. "I guess so." Then she frowned. "Don't you have a class to get to or something?"

Fuck, I was annoying her.

I shook my head. "I have a free period."

"Oh."

"Do you?"

"What?"

"Have a class to get to?"

She bit her lip and shook her head. "No, I have a free too."

"Oh."

Silence fell between us once again. I looked at my feet until I felt her eyes on me, and then I glanced back up to see her staring pointedly at me.

"What?" I asked.

"I was under the impression that it was you that wanted me to 'wait up', not vice versa."

Oh right, she was waiting for me to say something.

I eyed the space beside her on the bench but I didn't want to intrude any more than I already had so I remained standing. "I... um... I wanted to apologise for yesterday and... well, whatever happened. And I was wondering if maybe we could start over?" I looked at her hopefully. "You know, since we sit together in so many classes and all... Maybe be friends, or something?"

_Please say 'or something'._

Bella looked at me cynically for a while. Then she sighed and looked sadly at the ground, her eyes glazed over. "Thanks. I... I wish I could but..." She stopped and scuffed her trainers against the ground like a little girl. "Look, I don't do... friends. I just don't. I can't tell you why."

"So we can't be friends?" I was disappointed, to say the least. And the sting of rejection hurt like a bitch.

She shook her head slowly. "It's better this way," she said quietly. "For both of us." Then she hopped off of the bench. She stood beside me for a long moment, looking as though she were debating something in her head, and then said in a rush, "I'm going to the library now. We can't really be friends but I'm kind of open to accidentally bumping into each other." She lifted her face and shot me a meek little smile, before dashing off.

I stood there, stunned. It was in that moment that I realised that I was yet to see Bella Swan really, properly _smile_. The tiny little one she had just given me was glorious in itself, but I could only imagine what a proper smile would look like on her lips.

And then her words sunk in: _I'm kind of open to accidentally bumping into each other._

I smiled, and set off for the library. We couldn't be friends, but I'd sure as hell take whatever I could get.

I waited outside of the library for a few minutes, not wanting to appear too eager, and then I pushed the door open and went inside, looking down each aisle at each desk to see if I could find Bella. Finally, I saw her, tucked away at the table right in the far corner, furthest from the exit. I wouldn't have even noticed her had I not been looking. I went over.

She was bent over a textbook, copying some of it out. She didn't look up when I pulled the chair out with a quiet squeak, or when I sat down, dropping my bag beside me. I watched her work for a long moment. Then, because apparently I had come down with a bad case of word vomit, I stated (in a voice far too loud for a library), "Emmett and Jasper are your friends."

A hint of a smirk played on her lips, but she still didn't look up when she replied in a whisper. "That's different."

"Because you're fucking them," I muttered to myself, scowling.

Apparently I hadn't muttered quietly enough because Bella glanced up at me through her long lashes, the smirk widening. "No. I am not fucking either one of them."

Through the haze of my instantaneous relief, I wondered how she could talk about this so calmly and… well, not hate me for saying that, I guess.

As though she knew what I was thinking she said quietly, "Everyone thinks that. I don't really give a flying fuck what people say about me." She paused and then amended, "As long as it isn't true."

I frowned, confused as to what bad things could be said about this girl that were true. "So how are they different from me?"

Bella finally put her pen down and looked up at me, resting her chin on her hand. She stared at me for a long moment, looking confused. "Why do you want to be friends with me?"

_Because you're an enigma I can't work out. Because you're beautiful. Because I feel like I've been shocked when I touch you. There are so many reasons, but not one of them I feel I can tell you._

I shrugged. "Because you seem lonely."

All remains of her smirk disappeared and she tangled her fingers together, ducking her head. "I'm not," she murmured. "I have Jazz, and Em."

"You can be surrounded by people and still be lonely, you know," I told her quietly. She looked so forlorn, and sad, and lost that I regretted saying that. I wanted to reach out and hug her, cradle her like a baby. No one had ever brought out such bizarre protection urges in me before.

Bella sighed and quickly deflected the conversation on to me. "You hardly seem like Mr Popular yourself."

"I don't roll like that." I sat back in my chair. "Why waste your time trying to get to the top of the social ladder when it's not gonna get you anything in life except for maybe some kind of plastic crown at prom?"

She blinked at me, surprised.

"What?"

The corners of her lips lifted slightly. "Nothing. I just didn't think that anyone else thought like that."

I smiled at her and shrugged.

She hesitated and then added, "You could get there, you know. Real easily."

That confused the hell out of me. "Get where?"

"You know… prom king, that guy who dates every girl in the school, the guy that everyone looks up to… It's kind of nice that you don't want it. Different, refreshing… you know?"

"You could too, and you don't want it either," I pointed out.

She exhaled sharply, rolling her eyes a little. "If things were normal, I'd probably want it as much as the next girl. I'd still be friends with Jessica, and the most important things in life would be which base you got to with your boyfriend, and what designer brand skirt you had on." She picked at a hangnail. "Believe me, Edward, I'd give almost anything to be able to be like that. I don't particularly _want _to be prom queen, or not have enough fingers and toes to count how many orgasms I've had in the past month… but I _would_ give anything to have that kind of shit be the most important stuff to worry about in my life."

I sat there, my eyes wide and my mouth open a little. Not only had she just really opened up to me – however cryptic she had been – but she had also just said the word _orgasm_. And that shit went straight down south. Dammit.

Once I managed to shut my mouth, I opened it again to ask, "What _do_ you have to worry about, then?"

She pursed her lips, clamping them together. She was silent for a long time, and then she said, "Do you have the notes from English this morning? Can I copy them up?" Her eyes met mine, pleading with me to let it go. Whatever the fuck 'it' was.

I stared at her for a long moment, and then sighed and bent down to unzip my bag. I pulled out the notes from English and passed them across the table to her.

"Thanks," she muttered, laying them out in front of her and starting to copy them onto some blank sheets of lined A4 paper.

I bounced my knee under the table as I watched her.

"You're pretty neat, huh?" she asked as she copied.

"I am?"

She glanced up at me, judging to see if I was being serious or not, before looking back down again. "Jesus. How can you not be aware of how freaking neat your handwriting is? Here." She lifted my first sheet up against what she had written and I looked at them.

My writing was neatly curved in all the right places, most of my 'o's perfect. Hers was a messy scrawl, but it was still legible. For some reason, messy handwriting fit Bella; it kind of reflected that wild look in her eyes.

"It's alright," I said.

Bella raised an eyebrow in disbelief. Then she shook her head and put the papers back on the desk to continue copying it out.

I went back to watching her. This time, though, some spatters of red on the sleeve of her grey hoodie caught my eye. My gaze travelled up her body to note more spatters just below the neckline. My brow furrowed. "Why is there blood on your sweater?"

"Huh?" She glanced down. "Oh. That. Um… I had a nose bleed." She shrugged. "No big deal."

"Oh." My conversational skills needed working on.

But Bella smiled slightly at my lack of eloquence, so I was happy. After a moment, I bent down and pulled my Food Tech textbook out of my bag to start on the homework. I was bored of it before I had even started; just thinking of answering question after fucking question was driving me insane. But I opened the book to the correct page and wrote my name at the top of a fresh lined page all the same.

Bella glanced at my textbook and seemed surprised. "You do Home Ec?"

"Um… yeah?"

"Cool." Then she went back to copying in silence.

I wondered what on earth was going through her head, before shaking my own and getting to work.

There wasn't a sound but the scratching of pens on paper as we worked in a companionable silence. It was odd how relaxed I felt around Bella, how easy it was to just be with her. Even though the only reminder that she was there was when we glanced up at each other when my knee accidentally brushed hers, I still knew that she was there. And her presence seemed to relax me. Being beside her seemed to settle something inside of me, like pouring water over a fire. It was calming, slowed things down. The only times I had ever felt anything close to this with anyone outside of my own family – or within, for that matter – was when I had been with Tanya.

Bella couldn't have been more different from Tanya, in looks or in personality, but they somehow had the same calming effect on me, and I felt drawn to both of them, though in completely different ways.

When the bell rang for the end of the period, I watched as Bella packed up hurriedly. "Where are you going?" I asked. "It's break."

She glanced at me, a little smile on her lips. "And I'm not allowed to have a social life?"

"That's not what I meant…"

Her smile broadened, and my breath was taken away. A real smile from the shy, introverted, moody girl who I was sure hated my guts. "I know," she replied. She picked up my notes from English. "Mind if I borrow these to finish up?"

I shook my head, frowning as I realised that she wasn't going to answer my question.

"Thanks," she said, slipping the notes into her bag. She slung her bag over her back. "See ya." She headed for the exit of the library, and I turned back to my notes.

A few seconds later, though, I felt someone tap my back. I turned round and looked up at her beautiful face. My heart thrummed an uneven beat. "Yeah?"

Her cheeks flushed a delicate, feminine shade of pink. "Thanks. Um… for… coming. Coming to the library, I mean." Her cheeks got brighter when she heard the innuendo leave her mouth. "And for keeping me company. And for the notes. And… um… just thanks."

"Anytime," I said truthfully. I hesitated and looked down shyly at her feet. "Maybe we can do it again tomorrow?" Once the words were out I looked back up at her face to gauge her reaction.

She smiled again, even bigger than before. "I'd like that." She was suddenly really shy, fisting her hands at the bottom of her hoodie. Her eyes met mine, and her movements froze. For a long, long moment we stood there (well, she stood and I sat), staring into each others' eyes. My skin was rippling with electricity, my pulse furious with adrenaline and my heart was beating through my chest. I think that we both stopped breathing for a moment because suddenly Bella inhaled hugely, and that broke the spell that we were caught under.

I dropped my eyes so that it couldn't happen again.

"See you in Biology, I guess," I heard her say softly.

I nodded, blinking rapidly. "Yeah."

She turned to leave again.

This time, I stopped her. "Bella, wait."

She looked back. "Yeah?"

"Where were you? Yesterday, and in English this morning."

Bella hesitated and then smiled slightly. It was a forced smile, though, not one that I liked. "See you later," she said, and then she was gone. Damn.

I exhaled a huge breath that I hadn't realised I had been holding in and flopped back in my chair. I sat there for a while, thinking about Bella and her beautiful smile and wondering where she had been this morning.

She scared me a little. Or not so much her as the prospect of her. I had come here with the intention of not getting close to anyone because the pain that being close to others resulted in was worse than anything I had ever experienced. But I had already blown that intention right out of the water.

But then I was tapped on the shoulder again. I looked up, and was disappointed when I met the blue, blue eyes of Alice. "What, Alice?" I asked, unable to keep my sudden bad mood out of my tone.

She raised her dainty eyebrows at my harsh tone and then moved around the table to sit in Bella's seat, smoothing her little floral-patterned skirt down over her black leggings as she sat. She stared at me for a long moment.

"_What_ Alice?" I repeated through gritted teeth.

She smiled at me, her tiny, sharp features changing with the smile. "You're going to fall in love with Isabella Swan," she told me matter-of-factly.

I nearly fell off of my chair. "_What_?"

She laughed, reaching into her Louise Veyron (or something) bag and pulling out a compact mirror, checking her hair in it as she said, "Bella. I was watching you two for a little while; since just after the bell rang."

I sighed and pushed my fingers through my hair. "Alice, I'm not in love with anyone. I don't even know what love is."

Alice just nodded, placating me.

"What about Jasper?" I asked, narrowing my eyes as I attempted to take the upper hand in this conversation.

"What about him?" She played the innocent card. She even batted her fucking eyelashes.

"I've seen the eyes you make at him, Al," I told her, leaning forward across the desk. "Especially on the first day."

She pouted. "I'm getting over that because he's totally dating your Bella."

I scowled. "Oh, so now she's _my_ Bella?"

"You know what I mean."

"Oh, and, FYI, they're not fucking."

"Says who?"

"Bella."

"She could be lying," Al suggested.

I was shaking my head before she had finished speaking. "No way."

Alice narrowed her eyes at me. "How do you know?"

"I don't know, I just do. She said that she doesn't care how many orgasms she has in a month…" I trailed off, not wanting to remember that and dump myself right in the same _situation_ I had been in earlier.

Alice quirked one eyebrow. "Right. Bullshit. Every girl cares, no matter how much they downplay it. She'd care if she wasn't getting any. She just wouldn't say so."

I ignored the way that thinking of someone else – hell, _anyone_ else – taking Bella in that way made my blood boil with envy, and want. "Well, whatever, she said that she wasn't fucking Jasper, or Emmett, and I believe her."

"Good for you. That still doesn't mean that they're not dating. They've got to be! C'mon, Edward, you said so yourself."

I remembered a few days earlier, when Bella and Jasper had gotten on the motorcycle together. They sure as hell had looked like they were dating then. But, then again, Tanya and I had been as close as that and there was no way in hell that we would ever have dated. We had kissed once as a dare and that had been a complete awkward disaster. We couldn't have dated. Ever. Maybe Bella and Jasper were just really close friends? I voiced my thoughts to Alice. "Maybe Bella and Jasper are just really close friends?"

Alice snorted, crossing her arms on the desk. "And maybe the pope's religious," she said sarcastically. She sighed and rested her chin on her crossed forearms. "I'm sorry. I… I don't want to set myself up for heartbreak, Edward. Yes, Jasper is gorgeous but I don't know him, and I probably never will."

"But if, according to you, I'm going to fall in love with Bella, then surely Jasper will be free?" Just saying that out loud felt ridiculous, by the way.

Alice looked at me sadly. "You'll fall in love with her, yeah. I'm sure of it. But…" She sighed, looking down at her well-filed fingernails. "Edward, there's something about her-"

We heard Rosalie's heels clacking against the floor as soon as the door shut behind her.

Alice cut herself off; we both knew to end this conversation with Rosalie around. "Look, you don't say anything about Jasper, and I won't about Bella. Deal?"

Rose didn't take well to fantasies and false ideals. She'd tell us that we were being ridiculous even thinking that this could turn out well. That was just Rosalie. She was a pessimist, a realist and a brazen truth-teller; she didn't sugar coat anything. And Alice and I knew that we wanted to stay in our little bubbles of denial for a little longer about our respective crushes. Even if we knew that that was all they were ever going to be.

I shook Alice's hand. "Deal."

Our clammy palms parted just as Rose came round the corner. She took the seat beside Alice and sighed melodramatically. "God. What is with the morons in this town? Some senior just offered to 'let me' blow him. Dude, I'll blow you if I _want_ to, not because you let me. What a dick." Then she looked between Alice and I, her big blue eyes taking in our moods. "What? What's going on?"

"Nothing," Alice and I replied at the same time.

Rose narrowed her eyes but let it go. She dug into her bag to find her cell phone and check her messages from her friends back in Chicago.

Alice sighed and went back to checking her make-up in her little mirror.

I bent down to carry on with my homework.

For a moment, just a moment, things went back to normal.

**~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~**

**So a little Edward and Bella interaction there, guys ;) And, don't worry, the awkwardness will go away in a bit; they're both a tad apprehensive about making friends and getting close to people at the moment.**

**Oh, there was a little confusion about a couple of things in the last chapter. Firstly, Bella wanting to die- she doesn't **_**want **_**to die (who does?) but she's getting kind of fed up with being sick. And past experiences in Phoenix (you'll find out later) have resulted in her wanting to keep her illness a secret, which isn't easy if you have to be an inpatient in hospital for at least six months. So she avoids hospitals. There'll be more about this later on :)**

**Second, Bella's relationship with her mum – that's a kind of on-off relationship because Bella's emotions are so all over the place that sometimes she just yells and takes her feelings out on the one person who understands and other times she uses her as a comfort. Since Renee is like the only person who knows, she's kind of Bella's crutch at the moment.**

**Twilight Trivia Time! I was really shocked that only four people got the question right! 'Twilightgirl.x', 'Bella'Swan'22', 'MrsSadhbhPattinson' and 'The Last Thing On Your Mind' all correctly said that Max is the name of KRISTEN'S cat :) She calls him Jella, but she doesn't know why ;) Hey, do you guys want a Twilight Trivia question every chapter? I can do that if you want to :)**

**Rec of the week: **_**It Isn't Stalking if You Don't Get Caught **_**by **_**JustForkIt**_** and **_**LittleMissWhitlock**_**. This fic has been totally pwning me this week. It's epically hilarious and their Emmett is just awesome, and their Edward is adorable, and their Jasper is… well, he's the same old laid back Jasper we know and love. This story follows Edward, Emmett and Jasper as they attempt to meet their celebrity crushes Bella, Rosalie and Alice and it is so, so clever and there are tons of references to things we all know; my favourite I think would have to be Bella making a film toward the end called 'Beer for Hippos' ;) It's a work of genius.**

**Next update will be next Monday and we're back with Bella in time for Biology ;)**

**Wow, I failed at not doing long A/Ns huh? :/**

**Reviews make Bella more open to talking… ;)**

**Thanks so much! :)**

**-Steph**


	7. Chapter 7: A Few Measly Sentences

**Previously…**

_Our clammy palms parted just as Rose came round the corner. She took the seat beside Alice and sighed melodramatically. "God. What is with the morons in this town? Some senior just offered to 'let me' blow him. Dude, I'll blow you if I want to, not because you let me. What a dick." Then she looked between Alice and I, her big blue eyes taking in our moods. "What? What's going on?"_

"_Nothing," Alice and I replied at the same time._

_Rose narrowed her eyes but let it go. She dug into her bag to find her cell phone and check her messages from her friends back in Chicago._

_Alice sighed and went back to checking her make-up in her little mirror._

_I bent down to carry on with my homework._

_For a moment, just a moment, things went back to normal._

* * *

_"Never regret something that once made you smile." - Amber Deckers_

* * *

**The Dash in Between**

**Chapter 7 – A Few Measly Sentences**

**Bella POV**

I'll always remember my dad telling me "never regret something that once made you smile". They were some of his words that I knew would stick with me for the rest of my life, whether they were the right words to follow at the moment that I pulled them to the front of my mind, or not.

When I was younger, Mom had worked on the reservation in La Push for a man named Billy Black. Billy had been a good friend of my dad's so, when Mom had had me fresh out of high school, Billy had welcomed her onto his team to work full-time as a secretary for his company while Dad went to train to be a cop. The original plan had been for her to work there until Dad had a proper job and could keep the three of us afloat, but she had enjoyed it so much that she couldn't bring herself to stop. When Dad became chief of police they made sure to manage their shifts so that someone was always home to take care of me. Dad was a terrible cook so whenever Mom was working we dialled the number of the take-out that we both knew by heart and had pizza, or Chinese, or Indian every other day which I, being seven, was perfectly happy with. The yummy, crappy food wasn't the only advantage of Mom's working evenings, though, nor was it the best. The best thing that had come out of Mom's job; was Jacob.

Jacob Black was Billy's son, and he was a year older than me. From the day we first met, when I was four and he five, we had little kiddie crushes on each other. It didn't take long for us to become 'girlfriend and boyfriend', and even my father couldn't complain about me having a boyfriend when that boyfriend was Jake. He was a complete gentleman; when we went to the park he pushed me on the swings and let me go down the slide first, lying his jacket at the bottom so that I wouldn't fall on the wet grass; when we bought sweets he'd give me all of the orange ones because he knew that I liked them best; when we went to the little beach in La Push he bought me ice creams and let me use his special spade. It was cute. _We_ were cute.

Mom loved our little relationship, thought it was adorable. We did the usual thing that little girlfriends and boyfriends did; we held hands occasionally (wearing gloves, though; we were always wary of the other person's cooties), and we sent little Valentines cards in the post; those cards were what had started the letters.

Every week, we traded letters via my Mom. At first, it was brilliant. Every week Jake would send me long letters in his wonky handwriting and bad spellings telling me about his week, and his school, and his friends. I'd do the same, but my handwriting was a little wonkier and my spelling a little worse.

When it was coming up to my eighth birthday, though, Jake's letters became more and more infrequent and there was less and less content, while I still sent detailed descriptions of my week. Eventually, his letters dropped to one a fortnight and even then there were only one or two sentences. Once he just sent the stickers that came free with his bubblegum, and that was it for a whole month.

I was crushed.

But then Mom had given me his phone number and I had nervously called him and asked what had happened to his letters. He had apologised and promised to send a proper letter that week. So there I was, sat on the living room floor with a plate of cold pizza on my lap because I was too hyped up to eat. Dad watched a baseball game on the TV from his usual armchair and I watched the clock, counting down the seconds until I would have my boyfriends' words in my hands.

When I heard the door click shut, I shot to the hallway and begged my mom to give me the letter. She did. I took it back through to the living room and sat cross-legged in front of the fire as I ripped it open. I had been expecting something brilliant. What I received was something completely different. A photo from a disposable camera of Jacob and a girl, and a little sheet of four bubblegum stickers. I turned the photo over and read the words on the back.

_Hey Bella_, it read, _This is me and my girlfriend Leah. We had a cool week. We had ice cream. It was fun. What did you do? See ya. From Jake_

That was it. And I could see that I had stopped being his girlfriend long ago, and had started being that irritating girl that bugged him all of the time with her childish letters. I made Mom drop her dinner on the floor in shock at my screams and shrieks of "I fucking _hate_ Jacob fucking Black!" Then I had run up to my bedroom and recovered the box of all of the letters – or lack thereof – that he had sent me over the years and started ripping them up.

A few minutes later, Mom and Dad came in. I crawled into Dad's lap and cried, and he rubbed soothing circles on my back while Mom explained that boys had problems committing and Jacob had just moved on and I should too. She had even said "there are plenty more fish in the sea" which was about as clichéd as you could get. Then the beeper for her second dinner had gone off, and she had gone downstairs to get it.

Dad had squeezed me tightly and then seen the letters that lay on the floor ripped into teeny tiny pieces.

"I fucking hate him," I mumbled moodily.

"Now, now, Bells, there's no need for that language," he had scolded softly.

My cheeks heated a little; I hated when my dad told me off. "I wish he had never bought me that stupid ice cream in the first place."

"Bella," he had said then, "you can never, ever regret something that once made you smile. If it made you happy, even for just the one minute, then it was worth it. Because life is so short that any happiness we can get out of it is to be valued, and never regretted. All of the heartache in the world is worth a little happiness."

I had looked up at him, confused. "What do you mean?"

"Well, I remember when a nice young girl and a nice young boy both got thrown out from their homes when their parents found out that they were having a baby. They were both very sad, and it was very difficult for them to find a new home and things for their baby. But their baby made them so very, very happy that all of the sadness in the world would have been worth it." Dad smiled and his eyes creased up in the corners.

"That's you and Mom," I whispered.

"Exactly," he whispered back. Then he gently lifted me off of his lap and put me on my bed. "Just remember that, sweetie. Life's too short not to be happy."

And he was so right.

I had seen Jacob only two more times since.

The first of which was at my dad's funeral just six months after that night. His words held a lot of meaning to me then, as my world fell to pieces: _life's too short not to be happy_. Jacob had tried to talk to me, but I wouldn't have it. I told him that he was a meanie and walked off.

The second time I saw him had been when I was twelve, at his mom, Sarah's, funeral. I was halfway through my first year of consolidation; the first time that the cancer had gone away. I said that I was sorry for his loss; he said that he was sorry about the cancer. We hugged a little. But saying sorry didn't bring his mom back, nor did it stop my leukaemia from returning.

Sarah's death did do one good thing, though. My mom spoke with Billy again and he had told her that her job was always open to her if she ever wanted it back. This had been at the stage when I had wanted to move away, leave the place that everyone knew that I was sick, so Mom had taken him up on it. Two months later we had moved back to Forks, and I had never looked back.

As I wandered toward the bike sheds from the library, I mulled Dad's words over in my head. "Never, ever regret something that once made you happy." I had been happy talking to Edward. I shouldn't regret it. But, oh I did. I knew why, too. Because I knew that deep down I had subconsciously been hoping that he would really be a pig to talk to, a complete bastard, and then I could get over him and his very lickable jaw and move on. But he wasn't. Talking with Edward was almost better than looking at him. He was smart, but still interesting, and funny without trying too hard; he had even made me smile and that was a pretty damn hard thing to do. Conversation with him, the little bits of it that we indulged in anyway, was so easy, natural; like breathing. That was why I was so scared. And that was why I regretted it.

I was becoming attached after a few measly sentences.

And if I became attached, there was the possibility that he would also become attached. And I just couldn't hurt anyone that way. I couldn't bear the thought of becoming really, really good friends with Edward – or anyone else, for that matter – and then letting them down by dying. It was something I just did _not_ want to do. But it was also something that I had absolutely no control over.

I pushed those thoughts out of my head and fished my BlackBerry out of my bag so that I could glance at the time on the screen.

Oh God, I'd done it now.

I was five minutes late. The bell had rung five minutes ago. Em and Jazz knew that I had a free second period, so they'd wonder where I was. I was _always_ there before either of them were, and now I'd arrive last. What the fuck was I going to tell them?

I still hadn't come up with an excuse when I rounded the corner and ditched my bag beside my upturned bucket, flopping down on it exhaustedly.

"Hey, Baby Bell, where were you?" Em asked instantly. He had two cigarettes in his mouth already. Yes, at the same time.

"God, just please pass me a smoke," I said because, hell, I needed it.

Jasper wordlessly tossed me his packet and lighter. He knew that I'd give him one of mine in return later on. I cupped my hand around the end as I lit it and then relaxed almost instantly as the smoke hit my lungs. I held back a cough – I had inhaled too fast – and leant back against the bit of the shed behind my bucket.

I didn't miss the glance Em and Jazz exchanged as I lit another cigarette to smoke at the same time a moment later.

"What's up Bell?" Em spoke up first. "You never do double."

"Well, I am today," I muttered. "Thanks." I tossed Jazz his lighter and smokes back.

Jasper shuffled his bucket closer to me. "What's up B? Really, you can tell us anything."

"Totally," Em agreed. "If you're a lesbian – or even bi – just let it out. Honestly we won't feel any differently about you."

I stared at him. "What?"

Jasper pulled his shoe off of his foot and threw it at Em's head. "You moron!" he hissed.

"Ouch!" Emmett rubbed his head where the impact was.

I looked between the two of them; Jasper was red-faced mortification, and Em was encouraging. Then I burst out laughing. "Oh God," I managed to get out between completely unflattering giggle-snorts. "You think I'm gay?" My stomach was heaving painfully and my eyes were streaming. I hadn't laughed like this in ages, and it hurt, but the hurt was so fucking good. It wasn't real laughing, it was kind of hysterical; like I had just snapped.

Jazz rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly and that made me stop laughing abruptly because that action reminded me of Edward. The same Edward who scared the shit out of me. I pushed him out of my head before I started crying. Or shaking. Or maybe even hyperventilating. I looked at Jazz. "Was this your idea?"

"No, Emmett's," he answered. "All Emmett's."

"You pisshead, it was your idea!" Em said, leaning across to shove Jasper's arm.

"Relax, guys, I don't mind." I settled the peace before this could turn into a brawl. "But I am absolutely, definitely not a lesbian. Or bisexual for that matter."

"Right, because you were totally checking out Cullen's ass the other day, right, Bell?" Emmett reminded me, in a lame-ass attempt to prove that he had never been wrong.

I glared at him. "Come on. That boy is hot enough to turn either one of you gay; you can't blame me for sparing a little glance here and there."

Jazz and Em exchanged another look. After a moment, Jazz shrugged. "Beauty's in the eye of the beholder, I guess," he said eventually.

I rolled my eyes. "Come _on_. He is hot."

"We don't check out guys, Bell." Em snickered. "Me and Jazz are into the _ladies_." He stretched out the word 'ladies', probably thinking that it sounded smooth.

"What a shame that the '_ladies'_ aren't into you," I quipped, after blowing out a stream of smoke.

"Come _on_," Emmett mimicked me. "The ladies who aren't clinically insane totally dig this-" he gestured to his muscles "-over weedy kids with stupid hair and OCD tendencies any day."

"I'll have you know that his hair is awesome, and… well, yeah, he seems to have OCD but whatever it's probably some kind of weird-ass anxiety thing about moving to a new place; it'll go with time."

Jasper cocked an eyebrow at me.

"What?" I asked defensively. "I saw a program about OCD on a health channel once." Or rather, I had caught the end of it before some stupid thing about leukaemia that my mom had wanted to watch with me.

The bell rang as Jasper and Emmett snorted disbelievingly and we all stubbed out our cigarettes. I shared out some minty gum, and Jasper got his shoe back from where he had thrown it, and then we headed to class.

Jasper and I took our usual seats at the back; him slouching against the wall and me right beside him. The two seats to my left were always left empty; no one wanted to chance sitting with the freaks. That was more than fine with Jasper and I.

Today, though, was different.

"So," Jazz said, propping his feet on the desk and leaning back in his seat, "I was thinking. It's Em's birthday soon and we should totally do something. We didn't really do anything on yours. At all."

I frowned. "When's Em's birthday?"

Jasper rolled his eyes, knowing about my inability to remember these kinds of things. "Tuesday."

"Right. Yeah. I remember."

"Liar." Jazz poked out his tongue.

I poked mine right back.

Jazz opened his mouth to speak again, but another voice beat him to the punch. One that didn't belong to me.

"Excuse me?" The voice was light, and bright, and very, very feminine.

Jazz and I turned simultaneously to look up – but only very slightly – at the tiny frame of the girl before us. It was Alice Cullen. Jasper drew his feet off of the desk to see her better.

She bit her lip and looked to me. "Is it okay if I sit here?" she asked, gesturing to the empty seat beside me.

I was about to respond when Jasper did it for me.

"Sure, doll," he said easily, placing emphasis on his Texan twang which he only did when he was flirting.

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes and kicked his black-converse-clad foot under the desk.

As Alice settled herself in the seat beside me, I turned back to Jazz though I lowered my voice now that we had a neighbour. "What do you suggest we do, then?"

"Well-" he softened his voice, too "-I thought that we should get as much alcohol as we can and go to the den and get shitfaced. Emmett would like that."

I furrowed my brow. "Isn't that pretty much exactly what we did for my birthday?"

"Nah. We'll leave the weed this time; that shit's expensive."

"'kay," I muttered as Mrs Goff came into the room.

As she started talking, my mind – predictably – started drifting back to Edward Cullen. I wondered what his sister would tell him about us after sitting next to us in Spanish. I wondered if she'd tell him that we had virtually ignored her when she sat down. I wondered whether he was the protective type of big brother. What if she _did_ tell him and he hated me?

He should hate me. It would be much better – both for him and for me – if he hated me and didn't get attached. But, of course, following the developments in our… acquaintanceship (I didn't feel like I could really call it a relationship yet) that morning, I was becoming attached.

I looked over at Alice. I took in her childlike expression and pointed features that reminded me of magical creatures that sat on toadstools all doe-eyed and pretty; just like Alice. Her black hair stuck out from her head like a wild ink spatter and her thin lips naturally curved upwards even when she looked impassive as she did now. Her eyes were big and a very light shade of blue; almost grey.

My brow furrowed as I was hit for the second time for that day of the differences in all of the Cullens' appearances. Rosalie, Alice and Edward all looked nothing alike; they all had different bone structure, hair colour, eye colour… you name it. They were all completely and utterly different. And Carlisle… none of them really looked like Carlisle. Rosalie could have inherited her hair from him, I supposed, but it wasn't that similar. And he had hazel eyes while she had bright blue. Plus, that would have to mean that Edward _and_ Alice looked like their mom and those two were the least alike of all of them.

There was something odd about the Cullen family; that much was obvious.

I thought back to my earlier conversation with Edward, and the cryptic remarks he had made. He seemed to only speak in totally indecipherable phrases. I supposed that I wasn't much better.

_God, I had said the word 'orgasm' in front of him_.

I felt my cheeks flush with embarrassment at the memory. Why was I worried about Jasper and I scaring Alice off when I'd clearly already scared Edward off myself?

But then why would he ask if we could sit together every day? And, even more confusing than that, _why had I said yes_? I knew the answer to that without even having to think about it; because I had wanted to. Edward Cullen had this strange effect on me that no one had ever had on me before and I would have been lying if I said that it didn't scare the hell out of me. He made me feel… lighter. Happier. He almost made me forget everything and just want to _be_. When I was with him, I no longer felt obligated to live for other people like my mom and Phil; I actually wanted to stay alive for me. Because I had found something that I wanted; I wanted to know more about Edward. And not just the big things. In fact, the big things weren't the most important to me. What I wanted to know most about him were tiny, trivial, pathetic little things. Things like whether he slept on his stomach or his back, what his little mannerisms were, whether he was a morning person or not… I had never wanted to know such pointless things about anyone before.

And then there was the other thing about him; he wasn't at all what I had been expecting. Not in the slightest. He was gorgeous, smart and funny – I had known _that _– yet he didn't try to be any of those things. He was so modest – almost naive – and he wasn't the cliché that I had wrongly suspected that he would be. He didn't want the girls hanging off of his arms, or to be prom king or captain of the football team. Hell, he did Home Economics for fucks sake! The worst thing about him, though, was that he was far, _far_ too perceptive. He noticed the things that I didn't say as well as the things that I did, and that didn't bode well for someone with a shitload of secrets.

I sighed and let my head fall into my hands; what on earth was I getting myself into?

**#x#**

I didn't even look Edward's way at lunchtime, as much as it pained me not to do so; I couldn't appear too eager. But, though I never would have admitted it, I was keyed up throughout the lunch hour as I waited for Biology. I wondered whether he would speak to me again, or whether I would get the guts up to speak to him.

So, when the bell rang for fourth period, I said a nervous goodbye to Emmett and Jasper after we had all agreed to ditch fifth in favour of smoking it up. Then I headed off to Biology feeling like a skittish colt.

I was late today. Edward was already sat at our desk and Mr Banner had already started the lesson. He glanced my way when I came in but said nothing, so I blushed and scurried quickly and quietly to the back of the room to take my place beside Edward. He was taking notes on what Mr Banner was saying, a small crease set deep between his dark brows as he thought. When I pulled my chair out, he looked up and shot me a small smile before ducking his head back down again.

I beamed as I sat down and opened my bag. I pulled my Biology folder out of my bag, accidentally sending my packet of cigarettes sliding toward Edward. He caught the packet in his hand without looking up, and then glanced at it. He just raised his eyebrows and then slid them back to me without a comment or sideways glance.

As if the tampon incident wasn't bad enough. Oh, and the orgasm thing. Fabulous.

We worked steadily in silence all lesson, not once acknowledging each other despite the time that we had spent together that morning. When the bell rang at the end of the lesson, though, Edward turned to me. "You know smoking is bad for you, right?"

I raised my eyes to his face, feigning nonchalance when really, inside, I was happy that he cared. "Of course I do." I ducked my head again and muttered, so that only I could hear, "That is kind of the point."

"So why'd you do it?"

I shrugged. "It's relaxing?"

"Huh."

Once all of my stuff was in my bag I turned my whole body to face him. "I guess I'll see you in English tomorrow."

"I was going to walk to gym with you," he said, brushing an awkward hand through his hair. I noticed that light bronze hairs adorned the backs of his wrists, and his fingers were really long. I felt a strange, sudden urge to suck on them. And then my mind wandered a little, as I thought about what he could do with fingers that long.

I cleared my throat a little in an attempt to rid my head of the thoughts that were currently invading it. "I'm not going to gym," I said, finally managing to divert my eyes from his wonderful fingers. I turned around and headed for the door, knowing that he would follow me.

"Oh." He sounded kind of disappointed. He walked through the door that I held open for him. "Why not?"

I shrugged. "It's unnecessary. And I don't do it, anyway."

"I noticed. Why don't you do it?"

I hugged my ring binder to my chest. "Uh…"

"Sorry. You don't have to say if you don't want to."

I looked up at him, surprised. No one ever said that. People always wanted to know the 'how's, 'why's and 'where's of everything. "Um… thanks."

We both drew to a stop as we reached the corner that we had to part at.

"I guess I'll see you tomorrow then?" Edward asked half-heartedly.

"Yeah." I was suddenly overcome with the urge to kiss him. I shut my eyes and shook my head, trying to shake the urge away. Then I sighed and opened my eyes. "See ya."

Edward smiled slightly and then turned and headed down the empty corridor.

"Edward?" I called after him.

"Yeah?" He looked back.

"I… I have a medical condition." I smiled shyly at him. "See you tomorrow." And then I turned round and headed out to my truck before he could respond and ask me any questions; just because I had wanted to let Edward in a little bit and tell him a half-truth didn't mean that I wanted to tell him everything.

But, as Jasper's mom would have said, it was a start.

**~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~X~**

**Pfft, long time no speak huh? I'm so sorry about the lack of updates for the last few weeks; I've been working my bum off editing THWTLAL since it's being read by publishers soon. It's NOT being actually published, just read. I don't want to explain all of this again because it makes me blush but just see my profile if you want to know :)**

**I've actually had most of this chapter since before I last updated. I just hadn't written the last Biology bit and I felt that that had to be in this chapter so I had to wait until I had a moment to put it in :)**

**Before you all start panicking, no, Jacob will not be coming back and declaring his love for her or whatever. You all know that I cannot write him without making him evil or gay so we'll leave that out lol.**

**BTW if you know any people that read this and are unaware of the title change then please let them know for me since the review count was considerably lower last chapter and I'm worried that people are still waiting for updates on 'Taking Chances' which this is no longer called :/**

**REC OF THE WEEK: **_**Hydraulic Level 5 **_**by **_**Gondolier**_**. I'm pretty sure that I'm the last person to read this but, if I'm not, then you should go and read it! This story is so popular that it has its own clothing range (sorta) and its own famous slogans (cliff-hucking floozy is my favourite ;)) but don't let that intimidate you. It deserves all of the praise that it has gotten and it is deliciously angsty with enough fluff and humour dotted here and there to make the angst not be too overbearing. It's superb!**

**AND I'm currently reading **_**Just Wait**_** by **_**InstantKarmaGirl**_**. I'm not too far in yet but what I have read is excellent and I'm looking forward to reading the rest. I would rec it later on but the author is going to pull it for publishing on the 1****ST**** OCTOBER so if you want to read it, I'd get round to it sooner rather than later.**

**Thank you so much for all of the reviews so far and I would really, really love more because I am greedy ;) Do you think we can hit 325 reviews with this chapter? We're at 281 at the moment so that's… 44 :/ Hmm, I'm not sure. Maybe we can try?**

**Thank you all so much :)**

**-Steph**


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